tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3624094217975192456.post7040067916974594052..comments2023-05-23T07:26:54.524-07:00Comments on Yes, She is My Husband: That Whole... Talking... ThingMarnihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17627512510408880545noreply@blogger.comBlogger10125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3624094217975192456.post-12859639628088763842011-01-04T01:21:16.123-08:002011-01-04T01:21:16.123-08:00Wow, thanks for the lengthy reply, Casey. There&#...Wow, thanks for the lengthy reply, Casey. There's a lot to think about there. We've been dealing with this issue intensely for three years now. I've had to push for most every concession I've gotten, and we have hashed it out several times. Denial is the watchword, certainly. My daughter's autism is priority one, and it should be. I'd just like to rate, too.<br /><br />The two words she uses most are "trapped" and "roommates". I honestly think she would already be gone were it feasible, but she feels dependent on my income. We get along quite well much of the time, and she enjoys my company as long as I am being the husband. I think she does want it to work, but on her terms.<br /><br />I do believe that the children need to know, and it needs to be in a controlled scenario, not finding something or catching me by accident. That is trauma in the making. I'm alone in my thinking there, sadly.<br /><br />Tasha has access to my private blog, and you are welcome there. I can send you an invite if you like.Leslie Annhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15373261212549008939noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3624094217975192456.post-29635969094064680042011-01-03T23:54:17.802-08:002011-01-03T23:54:17.802-08:00Yes Casey, you are a valuable addition to the reas...Yes Casey, you are a valuable addition to the reasonable, empiricle and honest exploration and assessment of reality.<br /><br />Obviously we cannot make those difficult decisions that everyone must make for themselves. All we can do is ask those difficult questions which are so easily, (or NOT so easily) avoided.<br /><br />"Presenting the "problem" of being trans is not the challenge: dealing with it as a couple is." <br /> -Casey<br /><br />Thank you so much for your honest and heartfelt perspective.<br /><br />anneAnnehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02696670919817140802noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3624094217975192456.post-41343806094610877442011-01-03T13:36:50.488-08:002011-01-03T13:36:50.488-08:00Wow!! Thank you, Ariel!! :-D
I do hope I can help...Wow!! Thank you, Ariel!! :-D<br /><br />I do hope I can help.Marnihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18383127758637225562noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3624094217975192456.post-67510772400867104402011-01-03T07:46:20.998-08:002011-01-03T07:46:20.998-08:00Thank you for another excellent post, Casey. This ...Thank you for another excellent post, Casey. This is why I added your blog to T-Central even before you put in the request. It's important for more people to hear your voice.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3624094217975192456.post-19849060397087102222011-01-03T07:03:13.841-08:002011-01-03T07:03:13.841-08:00Ladies,
Halle and LeslieAnn, my impression is tha...Ladies,<br /><br />Halle and LeslieAnn, my impression is that if the two of you were not transsexuals, you would have good marriages. If that is true, then I strongly suspect that your spouses do not want to end the marriage. I say this because neither of them have actually LEFT. They make the excuse that they don't want to hear it or talk about it so that they can remain under the illusion that nothing new has altered the relationship.<br /><br />Honestly, I didn't want to hear about it, either. The difference, I think, between me and your spouses is that I forced myself to hear it. I am a college professor, so my natural inclination is to gather facts. I started to do research on my own and brought that information to Tasha, where she either confirmed or corrected what I had learned (the corrections were more about what kind of gender dysphoria she had, rather than the validity of the sources). <br /><br />You don't want to force the issue now because it is immensely painful. She knows intellectually that she is "losing" her male husband and can not fathom that your core personality can withstand that change). You can not bear to hurt the one you love. But if you truly believe that yours is a strong marriage, then you MUST NOT WAIT. <br /><br />Anne's question is valid. If, on the other hand, you suspect that your marriage is not strong - that perhaps you are more committed than your spouse - then you should, for your own sanity, be making plans to get yourself out of the situation. LeslieAnn, I understand that you have kids and heavy financial burdens. Natasha and I discussed that. When I was unsure of how I felt, I knew that I was "stuck" with her anyway because neither of us could possibly afford to maintain a household for our children (and six pets) alone. We would be forced to be roommates, and that idea just killed me. But you cannot expect to stay that way forever. Additionally, you must ask yourself what kind of message you are sending your children. Should marriages be stressful and full of mistrust? Should a "good" spouse be treated with contempt and disrespect and put up with that behavior?<br /><br />It is time to question where your values come from and if they serve you well. I am not suggesting that you leave your church or dump your best friends. I am suggesting that you challenge what you believe to be "the right way." Trust me: I was a professional martyr sometimes, and I didn't even realize it. I learned to figure out when it was right to stand my ground and when it was right to put myself first. Yes, when children are involved, they are a high priority. But please remember that you are their role model for what humanity should act like. LeslieAnn, your spouse (Halle, I'm sorry. I don't know if you have children) is not teaching a good lesson, either, and she should be made aware of it before she learns her mistake from the behavior of her children when they are grown.<br /><br />Ladies, I am not sure that you don't have the same kind of marriage as Natasha and me. You owe it to your marriage to test the theory, and the only way to do that is to challenge its strength. Please forgive my directness, but it doesn't sound like you have done that yet. Presenting the "problem" of being trans is not the challenge: dealing with it as a couple is.<br /><br />May good fortune shine upon all three of you this year! Be strong and do not give up.Marnihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18383127758637225562noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3624094217975192456.post-47488639145382946012011-01-03T03:37:59.035-08:002011-01-03T03:37:59.035-08:00Well, I am one of those who "truly BELIEVED t...Well, I am one of those who "truly BELIEVED that (I) had "let go" forever those feelings" when we got married.<br /><br />As I said, I do love her, and will not run away from our relationship until every other option is (or I am) totally exhausted.<br /><br />In every other respect, ours is a very caring relationship.Hallehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03847654451426257182noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3624094217975192456.post-59512936139032286322011-01-03T01:57:12.227-08:002011-01-03T01:57:12.227-08:00If you must know, Anne, it is because we have thre...If you must know, Anne, it is because we have three kids (one with special needs), and we don't have the funds to support two households. I do love my wife, and I have no desire to destroy the family we created. I know this all sounds very practical and logical in the face of strong emotions, but that is the way I was raised. I just feel that I have earned more respect than I am getting. And yes, we may not get through it. I won't be accused of not trying to make it work.Leslie Annhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15373261212549008939noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3624094217975192456.post-88762950686746963622011-01-02T21:25:18.744-08:002011-01-02T21:25:18.744-08:00So I guess my question for two of the commenters, ...So I guess my question for two of the commenters, Halle and LeslieAnne is why stay married to someone that you are not "one" with?Annehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02696670919817140802noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3624094217975192456.post-33336780265392334792011-01-02T20:06:05.386-08:002011-01-02T20:06:05.386-08:00Casey, what a powerful post. Sadly, I can copy ne...Casey, what a powerful post. Sadly, I can copy nearly every word that Halle wrote, and they would hold true for me as well. <br /><br />My partner doesn't want to talk about it, won't read anything offered by me or her therapist, and tells me that she doesn't have time or energy to deal with my issues. My problems are not even at the bottom of her list. Yet she insists that she wants to stay married.<br /><br />I truly envy what you and Tasha have, and I wish I had a fraction of it in my marriage.Leslie Annhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15373261212549008939noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3624094217975192456.post-29446187064669194032011-01-02T19:42:00.945-08:002011-01-02T19:42:00.945-08:00You have stated this so very well.
What I am going...You have stated this so very well.<br />What I am going to write will sound like a big whine, but others need to know they are not alone.<br /><br />For us, the right time for me to force the conversation will probably be the day I decide to move out. I will be leaving in order to stop feeling as though I am dragging a person I love through hell and back. I now know that I won't force the conversation before that, because she has told me too many times she cannot fathom that this is not something I am in control of. I am convinced she really does not want to know how I feel, or what it is like, so I won't go there. I am tired of being told that I always choose the worst times to say something. I can accept what I am; she cannot, it seems.<br />I will do what has been done for so many years to cope, for as long as I can, hoping against all evidence that somehow it will become better.<br />One person can keep a 'marriage' together. I have proven that.<br /><br />All of this, and I know you are right; that the way you are talking and working together is the way a real marriage should work.<br />My admiration for your wisdom, and courage to make these hard choices.Hallehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03847654451426257182noreply@blogger.com