Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-changes!
It sometimes hurts to see the future. For a few things in my life, I can do this. I don't know how, but I can and it's not always fun and flowers that I see. Those of you who read Tasha's blog already know that she has discovered the attraction of men and, while I mostly think its funny, it's not all that funny. The reason it doesn't amuse me more is that everything that has happened with Tasha's transition has happened almost EXACTLY as I have seen it. Every single step of it was not what I wanted to see, yet there was. When we were sitting there in the theater watching Thor and she gasped when the god first appeared, I shook my head and smirked. It was definitely amusing, but it confirmed what I knew would be happening.
How long had she assured me that she was 100% lesbian and men were... ew!...? The thought of a guy putting his... yuck! No more of that now. Still, she reassures me that it's all just looking, just like I might look occasionally. She's not going to have some affair or come to me one day and tell me that she is really lusting to try it. I believe that. What I have seen as a result of her new-found interest in men is that she will also discover that her attraction for women will wane and that she will only stay with me because she loves me more than anything. Does that sound like I am devaluing her love for me? I'm not. Everyone knows that love is not enough. Yes, we are also best friends. But best friends who love each other don't necessarily make a successful marriage either. What about my insistence that sex doesn't mean so much to me? I doesn't. But I do like to have it sometimes. So does she. But when both people are thinking about guys when it's happening? Come on! Do we stay together in a happy married friendship?
I'm not seeing doom around the corner. I'm really hoping that when this happens, we will have moved far enough into the relationship and the transition (complete, I'm really hoping) that our marriage will end with us being as close as two friends can be without being married. I'm hoping even more than this that it will never happen. I'm hoping that I will find that being intimate with my spouse is still a good thing, if different. I'm hoping that her fascination with men is simply a fascination and that she remains the adult she is instead of a hormone-driven teenager her drugs tempt her to be.
Our friend B is concerned, too. She finds it both as amusing and as concerning as I do. She doesn't want me to end up a single mom with the dreams of forever with my spouse broken into pieces. She doesn't want me to bear the weight of having to say good-bye to the person I was supposed to never have to say that to.
I'm wondering if there could be a happy middle if there were two mainly heterosexual women in a marriage. The love has not changed. The bond between us has not weakened. NOTHING about our marriage has changed except for her gender and now her sexual orientation. So, for all of my insisting that sex isn't the big thing in our marriage, might that still end it for us, or is the MEMORY of how we felt about each other sexually enough? Can we harness our feelings and make sex work when that time comes?
I don't have to worry about it right now. Sex ain't happening right now. I strive to remember the humor in all of this. For example, I have something else I can tease Tasha about. That's always a good thing.
How long had she assured me that she was 100% lesbian and men were... ew!...? The thought of a guy putting his... yuck! No more of that now. Still, she reassures me that it's all just looking, just like I might look occasionally. She's not going to have some affair or come to me one day and tell me that she is really lusting to try it. I believe that. What I have seen as a result of her new-found interest in men is that she will also discover that her attraction for women will wane and that she will only stay with me because she loves me more than anything. Does that sound like I am devaluing her love for me? I'm not. Everyone knows that love is not enough. Yes, we are also best friends. But best friends who love each other don't necessarily make a successful marriage either. What about my insistence that sex doesn't mean so much to me? I doesn't. But I do like to have it sometimes. So does she. But when both people are thinking about guys when it's happening? Come on! Do we stay together in a happy married friendship?
I'm not seeing doom around the corner. I'm really hoping that when this happens, we will have moved far enough into the relationship and the transition (complete, I'm really hoping) that our marriage will end with us being as close as two friends can be without being married. I'm hoping even more than this that it will never happen. I'm hoping that I will find that being intimate with my spouse is still a good thing, if different. I'm hoping that her fascination with men is simply a fascination and that she remains the adult she is instead of a hormone-driven teenager her drugs tempt her to be.
Our friend B is concerned, too. She finds it both as amusing and as concerning as I do. She doesn't want me to end up a single mom with the dreams of forever with my spouse broken into pieces. She doesn't want me to bear the weight of having to say good-bye to the person I was supposed to never have to say that to.
I'm wondering if there could be a happy middle if there were two mainly heterosexual women in a marriage. The love has not changed. The bond between us has not weakened. NOTHING about our marriage has changed except for her gender and now her sexual orientation. So, for all of my insisting that sex isn't the big thing in our marriage, might that still end it for us, or is the MEMORY of how we felt about each other sexually enough? Can we harness our feelings and make sex work when that time comes?
I don't have to worry about it right now. Sex ain't happening right now. I strive to remember the humor in all of this. For example, I have something else I can tease Tasha about. That's always a good thing.
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
It's Been a While...
I'm sorry, everyone, about not having written anything in a while. My part time job turned into a full-time one, requiring me to go into the office a few times a week, so when I do get to be home during the week, time just keeps on slippin'... you know the rest.
If you've already seen this post, you'd know that I had written something entirely different than what you are about to read. The problem is that much of it was very harsh, and after having a strange epiphany today on the way home from work, I realized that what I had written would probably return to bite me in the butt later on.
The original version had to do with the events that transpired at the LA book fair with my family. What I find interesting at this moment is that realizing something about my new work environment has altered (a little) how I view my spouse's family.
To be honest, my relationship with my FIL and SMIL have always been strained. If they were to read this, they would not disagree. But with the new wrinkle of my spouse becoming female, there is even more strain. Obviously, they don't blame me for Natasha's transformation, but when they cause stress on her, they cause stress on me. It's just the way it is.
I originally wrote here, but in a much angrier tone, that I have never quite felt a sincerity from them. I know that they love our children in the way they know how, and I know that they are not inherently bad people. They are just different people. They are not particularly people whom I would be friends with if I met them on the street, but they do good things and have good hearts. They support environmental and social causes that are for the good of the world and its people, yet their political views to me are strange and illogical and they do not treat their children as I would. But that's who they are.
My original post was a question of whether or not I could see past the "negative" aspects of Tasha's parents and because of my circumstances at work, I answered my own question.
This job I have was my part-time teaching job-turned-full time. I have added responsibilities, like being the librarian and trainer for our new online information system and curriculum development. These are things I really think are neat. One downside is that they are making me work half of the time in the office, which I don't understand. The other downside is that the CEO of the company has absolutely no business being the CEO. She is an Executive Assistant to the owner who was given an opportunity to run a company, but that company happens to be an academic company, which needs to be run more like a school than like a business. She's running it into the ground and blaming all of the departments for the situation. I could run the company better than she, if only for the simple reason that I have been an academic: I know how schools operate; I know how students operate; I know how departments interact with each other. Sure, there are other aspects to being "in charge" of a company, but really, she's not doing it right for what she has. This is the BIG downside. She is so paranoid about losing her job that she has decided to micromanage every department like Big Brother. She is having us develop courses for programs that should not be developed at this point. She is making faculty and staff do things to boost student retention that simply will not work well in the long run.
In short, because I need to have this job right now, I have to keep my head down and my mouth shut (well, except with my immediate boss. He and I are on the exact same wavelength so we have someone to commiserate with when we can). Seriously, this is VERY difficult for me. I dread going into work every day because I know that the CEO is going to send some kind of scathing email to my supervisor or his supervisor about something stupid and pointless that she wants us to do. When you can see the truth clearly but have to live in a world of dumb, it's hard.
I am in no way saying that my in-laws are dumb. It's quite the opposite. FIL, in particular, is a brilliant guy. He just lives his life in a vastly different way than I do (wealth aside). What I did learn today is that, whatever I do know about my in-laws, they are what they are and I may never hope that they will change. In my job, I know what I know and I must accept that I can only survive my time there by doing my job within the mess.
So, do I accept who my in-laws are? Yes. I don't have to approve, though. I'm positive that they don't approve of me, except perhaps that our children are brilliant and wonderful and kind and respectful and they had to have learned these things from their parents (maybe not the brilliant part). I (we) must be doing something right.
Now, what does this have to do with the purpose of my blog? That's the simple part. I think that sometimes Tasha forgets that her family are the last to know. This is all very new to them and they've only seen her a couple of times. Granted, some of them have said things that go beyond a state of shock, but on the whole, I don't necessarily think that they are reacting in a terribly negative way. Take brother-in-law M. He recently asked Tasha if she could wait a few years before doing anything else. If Tasha would think back, she would remember that I was far from ready to accept her fully as a woman and that I was thinking in terms of years or even decades before I could possibly consider "giving up" my husband. The thing I keep pointing out to Tasha about my SMIL is that she doesn't really have any tact. Often, in the case of Tash's transition, SMIL says things that come out very harsh, like that "You're such a good actor" thing. Again, looking back on our own history, I even questioned her that perhaps she had found out about TS through research and because it solved so many of her deepest issues, namely self-hatred, she convinced herself that it was true when it might possibly have not been so. She had even admitted that she had seen therapists before and told them what they wanted to hear. She was hurt when I had challenged her in this way and it's happening all over again with her family.
I'm not suggesting forgiveness here... and this is how I think it all ties together. I think that it is important for both of us to remember that her family is who they are, especially her father and step mother. We don't have to like it. We don't have to forgive the lack of tact on SMIL's part or FIL's deliberate refusal to refer to Tasha either by her female name or by her gender pronoun. It's not nice, period. BUT, we can save ourselves a lot of personal angst if we are diligent in remembering these things about them, expecting the behavior every time, and letting it all go when we are done visiting. The final outcome will be apparent in the near future. Either they will accept this like everyone else has, or they won't. If they don't, there will be new issues. But this is still raw for them, so in spite of what we know, as good people we need to remember that it is raw and give them a chance to process it.
If you've already seen this post, you'd know that I had written something entirely different than what you are about to read. The problem is that much of it was very harsh, and after having a strange epiphany today on the way home from work, I realized that what I had written would probably return to bite me in the butt later on.
The original version had to do with the events that transpired at the LA book fair with my family. What I find interesting at this moment is that realizing something about my new work environment has altered (a little) how I view my spouse's family.
To be honest, my relationship with my FIL and SMIL have always been strained. If they were to read this, they would not disagree. But with the new wrinkle of my spouse becoming female, there is even more strain. Obviously, they don't blame me for Natasha's transformation, but when they cause stress on her, they cause stress on me. It's just the way it is.
I originally wrote here, but in a much angrier tone, that I have never quite felt a sincerity from them. I know that they love our children in the way they know how, and I know that they are not inherently bad people. They are just different people. They are not particularly people whom I would be friends with if I met them on the street, but they do good things and have good hearts. They support environmental and social causes that are for the good of the world and its people, yet their political views to me are strange and illogical and they do not treat their children as I would. But that's who they are.
My original post was a question of whether or not I could see past the "negative" aspects of Tasha's parents and because of my circumstances at work, I answered my own question.
This job I have was my part-time teaching job-turned-full time. I have added responsibilities, like being the librarian and trainer for our new online information system and curriculum development. These are things I really think are neat. One downside is that they are making me work half of the time in the office, which I don't understand. The other downside is that the CEO of the company has absolutely no business being the CEO. She is an Executive Assistant to the owner who was given an opportunity to run a company, but that company happens to be an academic company, which needs to be run more like a school than like a business. She's running it into the ground and blaming all of the departments for the situation. I could run the company better than she, if only for the simple reason that I have been an academic: I know how schools operate; I know how students operate; I know how departments interact with each other. Sure, there are other aspects to being "in charge" of a company, but really, she's not doing it right for what she has. This is the BIG downside. She is so paranoid about losing her job that she has decided to micromanage every department like Big Brother. She is having us develop courses for programs that should not be developed at this point. She is making faculty and staff do things to boost student retention that simply will not work well in the long run.
In short, because I need to have this job right now, I have to keep my head down and my mouth shut (well, except with my immediate boss. He and I are on the exact same wavelength so we have someone to commiserate with when we can). Seriously, this is VERY difficult for me. I dread going into work every day because I know that the CEO is going to send some kind of scathing email to my supervisor or his supervisor about something stupid and pointless that she wants us to do. When you can see the truth clearly but have to live in a world of dumb, it's hard.
I am in no way saying that my in-laws are dumb. It's quite the opposite. FIL, in particular, is a brilliant guy. He just lives his life in a vastly different way than I do (wealth aside). What I did learn today is that, whatever I do know about my in-laws, they are what they are and I may never hope that they will change. In my job, I know what I know and I must accept that I can only survive my time there by doing my job within the mess.
So, do I accept who my in-laws are? Yes. I don't have to approve, though. I'm positive that they don't approve of me, except perhaps that our children are brilliant and wonderful and kind and respectful and they had to have learned these things from their parents (maybe not the brilliant part). I (we) must be doing something right.
Now, what does this have to do with the purpose of my blog? That's the simple part. I think that sometimes Tasha forgets that her family are the last to know. This is all very new to them and they've only seen her a couple of times. Granted, some of them have said things that go beyond a state of shock, but on the whole, I don't necessarily think that they are reacting in a terribly negative way. Take brother-in-law M. He recently asked Tasha if she could wait a few years before doing anything else. If Tasha would think back, she would remember that I was far from ready to accept her fully as a woman and that I was thinking in terms of years or even decades before I could possibly consider "giving up" my husband. The thing I keep pointing out to Tasha about my SMIL is that she doesn't really have any tact. Often, in the case of Tash's transition, SMIL says things that come out very harsh, like that "You're such a good actor" thing. Again, looking back on our own history, I even questioned her that perhaps she had found out about TS through research and because it solved so many of her deepest issues, namely self-hatred, she convinced herself that it was true when it might possibly have not been so. She had even admitted that she had seen therapists before and told them what they wanted to hear. She was hurt when I had challenged her in this way and it's happening all over again with her family.
I'm not suggesting forgiveness here... and this is how I think it all ties together. I think that it is important for both of us to remember that her family is who they are, especially her father and step mother. We don't have to like it. We don't have to forgive the lack of tact on SMIL's part or FIL's deliberate refusal to refer to Tasha either by her female name or by her gender pronoun. It's not nice, period. BUT, we can save ourselves a lot of personal angst if we are diligent in remembering these things about them, expecting the behavior every time, and letting it all go when we are done visiting. The final outcome will be apparent in the near future. Either they will accept this like everyone else has, or they won't. If they don't, there will be new issues. But this is still raw for them, so in spite of what we know, as good people we need to remember that it is raw and give them a chance to process it.
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
"Liberal" or "Non-Judgmental"?
More than you know, I so very much appreciate that so many people - here and in person - have said to me how proud they are of me or how "brave" I am to be going through Tasha's transition with her. They remark how open or liberal I am to recognize my sexual orientation yet remain willing to at least try to be intimate with another woman for the sake of our marriage. It's not about our marriage really, but rather our relationship. I've said numerous times now that sex isn't so important in our relationship. I have a feeling that Tasha will eventually want to do something, though, and I will do my best to enjoy whatever it is. That's because she is my best friend and soul mate (sorry, B! I love you, too!).
We ask ourselves, "What are we willing to do, give up, sacrifice for someone else?" We do it all the time. I'd like to meet the couple who insist that their relationship is perfect and neither had to make any changes in their lives at any point in their relationship in order to make things work better. I have a character in the book series I've started. Her name is... CASEY!... The series is about the "secret" history of the Irish Faery race and Casey is the narrator. Basically, she meets a human and they fall in love, but in the first book they are separated in such a way that they can be very close but never touch. How horrible is that?! The series spans over 3000 years, so you might wonder what Casey will do in order to reunite with her one true love.
If you're interested, by the way, you can learn more about Tir Na n'Og: Journal One and buy it here. Okay, I'm done with the advertising. :-)
What AM I being? I can't really tell you. I don't feel "brave" or anything like that. I think it's just that I don't think I have a choice. Really. I know many of you are going to comment on that. You'll say, "You DO have a choice. If you don't want to be there, get out." But that is not an option for me. Trust me: I have no religious testament telling me that I can't get divorced. It's not about that at all. The reason that I don't feel that I have a choice is because when I have thought about leaving, the idea of being in the world without my Bubbow with me makes my heart break. I feel sick to my stomach. It's not that I'm being liberal or non-judgmental about this situation; it's that shit happens to us all and we either deal with them or we run away... at least that's how I work. The shoe falls and I deal with the damage. But in no way is leaving the mess behind a part of "dealing." I chose to be with Tasha as a male and because her becoming a female on the outside does not shatter my concept of our marriage, it is "damage" that I deal with.
What happens if your spouse, who is "normal", gets into an accident that renders him or her a quadriplegic? You can't have sex anymore. Do you leave? Lots of people do, but partly because coping with that kind of situation is very stressful and your life is altered forever... wait! That sounds familiar!
Look: I'm not trying to be harsh on anyone reading this who did leave or whose spouse left. I'm trying to explain how I view my situation. I just don't leave because there's a problem, and the fact is that if not for the TS, our marriage would be as perfect as anyone could ask for (except for Tasha's non-gender related quirks! :-D).
Besides, I'm very judgmental. Part of the reason why I have not given up is because of how I view people who give up (and again, I'm NOT saying that the relationships that ended did so because someone GAVE UP). Part of the reason why I will not leave because of an uncertainty about the future is because of how I view people who do. For goodness' sake: nothing about the future is certain!
I may be "liberal" because I don't have moral hangups about sexuality or gender identity. "Non-Judgmental"? I'd like to say that I'm not, but it wouldn't be true. "Brave"? I might be brave, but not because of this. I might be brave if you think of life the way my father does. He told me not too long ago that if all of the crap that's happened to me over the years had happened to him, he'd probably have killed himself long ago. People around me are worried that I'm going to have a nervous breakdown soon (not just because of Tasha. I've got a LOT going on). So in that respect, perhaps brave is an okay word. Yet, again I return to my idea of the Other Shoe. I know it's up there. Other shoes have dropped on my many times. I just get up and keep moving forward. It's what I always do. I have no choice.
We ask ourselves, "What are we willing to do, give up, sacrifice for someone else?" We do it all the time. I'd like to meet the couple who insist that their relationship is perfect and neither had to make any changes in their lives at any point in their relationship in order to make things work better. I have a character in the book series I've started. Her name is... CASEY!... The series is about the "secret" history of the Irish Faery race and Casey is the narrator. Basically, she meets a human and they fall in love, but in the first book they are separated in such a way that they can be very close but never touch. How horrible is that?! The series spans over 3000 years, so you might wonder what Casey will do in order to reunite with her one true love.
If you're interested, by the way, you can learn more about Tir Na n'Og: Journal One and buy it here. Okay, I'm done with the advertising. :-)
What AM I being? I can't really tell you. I don't feel "brave" or anything like that. I think it's just that I don't think I have a choice. Really. I know many of you are going to comment on that. You'll say, "You DO have a choice. If you don't want to be there, get out." But that is not an option for me. Trust me: I have no religious testament telling me that I can't get divorced. It's not about that at all. The reason that I don't feel that I have a choice is because when I have thought about leaving, the idea of being in the world without my Bubbow with me makes my heart break. I feel sick to my stomach. It's not that I'm being liberal or non-judgmental about this situation; it's that shit happens to us all and we either deal with them or we run away... at least that's how I work. The shoe falls and I deal with the damage. But in no way is leaving the mess behind a part of "dealing." I chose to be with Tasha as a male and because her becoming a female on the outside does not shatter my concept of our marriage, it is "damage" that I deal with.
What happens if your spouse, who is "normal", gets into an accident that renders him or her a quadriplegic? You can't have sex anymore. Do you leave? Lots of people do, but partly because coping with that kind of situation is very stressful and your life is altered forever... wait! That sounds familiar!
Look: I'm not trying to be harsh on anyone reading this who did leave or whose spouse left. I'm trying to explain how I view my situation. I just don't leave because there's a problem, and the fact is that if not for the TS, our marriage would be as perfect as anyone could ask for (except for Tasha's non-gender related quirks! :-D).
Besides, I'm very judgmental. Part of the reason why I have not given up is because of how I view people who give up (and again, I'm NOT saying that the relationships that ended did so because someone GAVE UP). Part of the reason why I will not leave because of an uncertainty about the future is because of how I view people who do. For goodness' sake: nothing about the future is certain!
I may be "liberal" because I don't have moral hangups about sexuality or gender identity. "Non-Judgmental"? I'd like to say that I'm not, but it wouldn't be true. "Brave"? I might be brave, but not because of this. I might be brave if you think of life the way my father does. He told me not too long ago that if all of the crap that's happened to me over the years had happened to him, he'd probably have killed himself long ago. People around me are worried that I'm going to have a nervous breakdown soon (not just because of Tasha. I've got a LOT going on). So in that respect, perhaps brave is an okay word. Yet, again I return to my idea of the Other Shoe. I know it's up there. Other shoes have dropped on my many times. I just get up and keep moving forward. It's what I always do. I have no choice.
Thursday, April 7, 2011
More Blood...
I've been debating whether or not to write about the following topic, but since my goal in writing this blog is to help people, I decided in favor of sharing. DISCLAIMER: This is meant to be at least somewhat funny, but it has some gross parts, too.
Transsexual ladies, you may look like women, sound like women, feel like women psychologically... but there's something you can NEVER have that truly means being a woman and you will forever miss out:
Menstruation.
I hate my period. I've always hated it. It's messy, stinky, painful, emotional, messy, messy and.. oh yeah!... messy... and emotional. Did I mention emotional? Having a period may be the key to being able to have kids, but seriously? Come on! If there is a god, and that god is good, it ain't a woman!
Trust me: you might be saying to your computer screen, "I'd take having a period if it meant I was born in the right body." You SAY that, but you just don't know. I was born in the right body and once a month, I wish I wasn't a woman. I'm not joking... Well, I'm exaggerating, but I really, really hate my period. I'd like to start menopause now, thank you. I've had the kids; what do I need the period for anymore?
You know why I really hate my period? Besides the messy part, which really totally sucks, what I hate the most about it is that once a month, for about two days, I think about the worst things. I already think bad thoughts. I have awful visions of my children being abducted or Tasha being in a car accident or a fireball hitting the Earth. That's during the other 26 days. But when the cycle starts, for the first two days, my whole life is wrong.
Today, for example, I was folding clothes from our wonderful, hasty withdrawal of our stuff from the bed bug infested bedrooms when I came across an elegant piece of lingerie I bought before I met Tasha. I still have a few pieces, but my husband didn't really get anything out of them, so I stopped wearing them. As I put it aside and continued to take women's clothes, hers and mine, out of a plastic bag, I felt worse and worse. In my mind, I said, "You wouldn't wear that anyway. You hate how you look." I thought about putting it on for Tasha and I didn't like that feeling at all. I got scared. I tried to imagine being passionate with Tasha and that felt... wrong. I really started to panic. I tossed the lingerie into another plastic bag intended for donations and tried to put it out of my head.
I couldn't do it. So, I activated my rational mind. I reminded myself that we never really had a highly passionate relationship. Sex was not a big part of it, although we did have sex more often in the beginning. I called my friend, B, and asked her to call me. I needed some reassurance. In the meantime, I had a conversation with myself about how I'd been going through some kind of desire to have desire for several years. I reminded myself that what I was feeling went beyond my spouse becoming a woman.
I was still bothered. This happens on my period. I waited until B called.
Would you believe that I had no distinct memory of being passionate with anyone? B reminded me that I had, in fact, been so stupidly passionate in my youth that I was in a doomed relationship because I wanted to have sex. I did that a few times. I ignored the hazard flags for sex. Not atypical, but I honestly, truly forgot! B also reminded me that she and I used to go to Victoria's Secret to buy lingerie just because it felt good to do it. We felt good about ourselves in the outfits.
The fact is that the relationship I am in had passion, but it was not that fantasy kind. I was older, too. I'd been there and done that and I really wanted a soul mate who was also my best friend. B suggested to me that BECAUSE I am now faced with having to change my sexual preference in order to keep my marriage, a long-buried issue has reared it's nagging head and my special time has exacerbated it. The issue is that I have missed the passion, partly because it made me feel desired. I know that my spouse desires me, but then here I am again facing the fact that, while her view of me has not changed, my view of her has.
I don't mean to get into an exhaustive monologue about this issue in particular. The crux of this blog is what my period does to me. Periods make small things big. Periods make little concerns huge issues. During a period, I have a strong sense of the differences between my rational and irrational minds. During my period, guess which one is louder?
The fact is that sex is still not an issue. The fact is, like my other friend, D, said yesterday, at some point a great relationship becomes a great friendship. The fact is that I still have NO IDEA what I will will not do in terms of intimacy when all is said and done.
I hate my period.
So, why have I shared this experience? I think I decided to do it because it's important for transfolk, MTF in particular, to understand that so much drives how we born women feel from day to day. Remember that what you experience on HRT is similar to what we experience. It's different, though. Take your emotional roller coaster over a month and shove it into a few days to a week. As men, you might have been patient with us as we went through our special times, but now, as hormonal women with your own crazy mood swings, it's important to stay conscious of how crazy your partner's emotions are, too. Be reassuring, be kind and be PATIENT. Remember that it's okay for your partner to have moments of doubt, anxiety, confusion or panic. As long as those moments pass and your partner is mainly on board, there is still hope for a happy ending, you know? I wanted to demonstrate that, as much as I show my support of Tasha going through this transition, even I, the devoted spouse, have moments of freak-out.
Have I mentioned how much I hate my period?
Transsexual ladies, you may look like women, sound like women, feel like women psychologically... but there's something you can NEVER have that truly means being a woman and you will forever miss out:
Menstruation.
I hate my period. I've always hated it. It's messy, stinky, painful, emotional, messy, messy and.. oh yeah!... messy... and emotional. Did I mention emotional? Having a period may be the key to being able to have kids, but seriously? Come on! If there is a god, and that god is good, it ain't a woman!
Trust me: you might be saying to your computer screen, "I'd take having a period if it meant I was born in the right body." You SAY that, but you just don't know. I was born in the right body and once a month, I wish I wasn't a woman. I'm not joking... Well, I'm exaggerating, but I really, really hate my period. I'd like to start menopause now, thank you. I've had the kids; what do I need the period for anymore?
You know why I really hate my period? Besides the messy part, which really totally sucks, what I hate the most about it is that once a month, for about two days, I think about the worst things. I already think bad thoughts. I have awful visions of my children being abducted or Tasha being in a car accident or a fireball hitting the Earth. That's during the other 26 days. But when the cycle starts, for the first two days, my whole life is wrong.
Today, for example, I was folding clothes from our wonderful, hasty withdrawal of our stuff from the bed bug infested bedrooms when I came across an elegant piece of lingerie I bought before I met Tasha. I still have a few pieces, but my husband didn't really get anything out of them, so I stopped wearing them. As I put it aside and continued to take women's clothes, hers and mine, out of a plastic bag, I felt worse and worse. In my mind, I said, "You wouldn't wear that anyway. You hate how you look." I thought about putting it on for Tasha and I didn't like that feeling at all. I got scared. I tried to imagine being passionate with Tasha and that felt... wrong. I really started to panic. I tossed the lingerie into another plastic bag intended for donations and tried to put it out of my head.
I couldn't do it. So, I activated my rational mind. I reminded myself that we never really had a highly passionate relationship. Sex was not a big part of it, although we did have sex more often in the beginning. I called my friend, B, and asked her to call me. I needed some reassurance. In the meantime, I had a conversation with myself about how I'd been going through some kind of desire to have desire for several years. I reminded myself that what I was feeling went beyond my spouse becoming a woman.
I was still bothered. This happens on my period. I waited until B called.
Would you believe that I had no distinct memory of being passionate with anyone? B reminded me that I had, in fact, been so stupidly passionate in my youth that I was in a doomed relationship because I wanted to have sex. I did that a few times. I ignored the hazard flags for sex. Not atypical, but I honestly, truly forgot! B also reminded me that she and I used to go to Victoria's Secret to buy lingerie just because it felt good to do it. We felt good about ourselves in the outfits.
The fact is that the relationship I am in had passion, but it was not that fantasy kind. I was older, too. I'd been there and done that and I really wanted a soul mate who was also my best friend. B suggested to me that BECAUSE I am now faced with having to change my sexual preference in order to keep my marriage, a long-buried issue has reared it's nagging head and my special time has exacerbated it. The issue is that I have missed the passion, partly because it made me feel desired. I know that my spouse desires me, but then here I am again facing the fact that, while her view of me has not changed, my view of her has.
I don't mean to get into an exhaustive monologue about this issue in particular. The crux of this blog is what my period does to me. Periods make small things big. Periods make little concerns huge issues. During a period, I have a strong sense of the differences between my rational and irrational minds. During my period, guess which one is louder?
The fact is that sex is still not an issue. The fact is, like my other friend, D, said yesterday, at some point a great relationship becomes a great friendship. The fact is that I still have NO IDEA what I will will not do in terms of intimacy when all is said and done.
I hate my period.
So, why have I shared this experience? I think I decided to do it because it's important for transfolk, MTF in particular, to understand that so much drives how we born women feel from day to day. Remember that what you experience on HRT is similar to what we experience. It's different, though. Take your emotional roller coaster over a month and shove it into a few days to a week. As men, you might have been patient with us as we went through our special times, but now, as hormonal women with your own crazy mood swings, it's important to stay conscious of how crazy your partner's emotions are, too. Be reassuring, be kind and be PATIENT. Remember that it's okay for your partner to have moments of doubt, anxiety, confusion or panic. As long as those moments pass and your partner is mainly on board, there is still hope for a happy ending, you know? I wanted to demonstrate that, as much as I show my support of Tasha going through this transition, even I, the devoted spouse, have moments of freak-out.
Have I mentioned how much I hate my period?
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Breaking Wind
I sit here waiting for the exterminators to come and kick me out of the house so that they can rid us of horrible, disgusting bedbugs. We have a theory about how they came to our house; they got into our luggage during a trip to California last Autumn. Silly us: my parents always told me to wear at least my socks at all times when staying in a hotel. I stopped doing that a while ago and got so comfortable that we put our bags on the floor. YUCK! Never again...
Anyway, as I sat here waiting, I thought about my in-laws and how I wish they'd stop coming from California.
I'm sorry to those of you who have been curious about my interpretation of the infamous meeting with the therapist a couple of weeks ago. I'll start it now and then if the exterminators interrupt me, I'll finish later.
So, it was a miserable experience. I never enjoy seeing them, except to see my children's happiness at seeing them. They came in the night before and we all, including my parents, had dinner together. Tasha came to the restaurant from work, so she did not have time to change from her man clothes, so the in-laws were comfortable. Eventually, although I only overheard parts of it, the father-in-law started asking questions and spouted concernes about how this transition will affect the kids. This was not the first time this subject was discussed. We talked about it at length when Tasha first told them in February. I wasn't surprised. They never remember anything you tell them. They don't really care to remember because then what ever would you talk about the next time you saw them?
Then, finances came up. Again, it's been discussed. Tasha's hopeful plan is to finish teaching at the end of NEXT year. If we don't have the finances to do so, she won't.
Oops! They're here... More later... :-)
Okay... sorry for that interruption.
The next day, we met at the therapist's office. Right off the bat FIL (father-in-law) was on the defensive. He continually referred to Tasha as he and used his male name. S, our therapist, politely continued to correct him until he abruptly exclaimed that he would use whatever pronoun or name he wanted. Then, the questions... the same questions... were asked. You can read Tasha's blog for the details. But what really got to me was SMIL (stepmother-in-law) saying over and over again, "But you're such a great actor." This, after exclaiming upon seeing Tasha that she looked like she was wearing a costume.
Here's the thing. I know what SMIL was trying to say with the costume comment. "I'm not used to seeing you with women's clothes on." And, "You're such a great actor," meant, "Your such a smart person and you can be very convincing. Are you sure this is what you want?"
Said in translation, it seems like she really cares, right? But here's how it comes out: The costume comment is interpreted as "You look ridiculous." The actor comment is interpreted as "You hate yourself so much that you're looking for something big and extreme to get attention and you're such a good actor that you've convinced YOURSELF that this is real, but it's not."
Should I (and Tasha) forgive her knowing what she probably meant? The thing is that I like to hope for the positive even when I know from experience that it is not the case. So, no.
I was glad my dad was there because, although he kept his mouth shut most of the time, he opened it when it was necessary to ease some of Natasha's pain at having to listen to her father and step-mother question the validity of the condition and the therapist's credentials to treat her. Yes, I can definitely understand concern. I know it is hard to swallow at first. Nobody is saying that acceptance should be easy and without reservation. The problem with the session was that Tasha's parents came in with an idea that they did not change through the course of the hour. While FIL admitted to my dad that he felt better about things after it was over, he felt better about the sanity of my kids, rather than feeling better about his relationship with his daughter.
The day just got worse, but I won't get into it since Tasha told you what happened at dinner. We should not have gone, but we went because the kids needed to see them.
Tasha did not let me say anything at the session. I mean she told me before that I was not to tell them off or anything. I almost did when they questioned our ability to do what's right for our children, but I didn't. What I really wanted to say was, "F**k you, you piece of s**t! Who are you to criticize how we raise our children? You were the sh*ttiest father I've ever met. You have no credibility as a responsible, moral person, especially since you left your first wife... Tasha's mother... for her best friend, cheated on HER, and left Tasha alone for weeks at a time so that you could run off wherever! You should go rot!"
Now, I do have some tact. It wouldn't have come out like that. However, he definitely would have been called out on his hypocrisy. Oh, you bet! There are so many things I want to say to them both. They're fake. They're insincere. They're materialistic and they are selfish. Their hypocrisy gets me the most. I mean, come on! Tasha's father has so much money that to pay for her surgery AND get a new hairline would be like handing out the change in his pocket. He claims to care about what Tasha is going through and he claims to be supportive, but do you think he's going to pay for the surgery?
So, that's my rant about my in-laws. Taaha's mother is much more supportive, but will also probably not give a single dime even though she could. But emotionally, she's in the game. It's not surprising to me because it doesn't really affect her. Really. That's how she thinks. She doesn't really care either way, except that now she has another daughter to buy girly things for (tacky, but girly). Whatever her motive, at least she isn't doubting.
Some day, our kids are going to understand how we really feel about FIL and SMIL. We're not necessarily going to straight-up tell them, but they are already quite observant and we will not lie to them if they start asking questions. They will see how Tasha and I are treated (especially Tasha. I think at the very least FIL and SMIL are impressed with my fortitude and seem to be treating me a little more respectfully... a little). Perhaps my in-laws will begin to understand what they have done when their grandkids don't want to see them or, more likely, when they confront their grandparents. I just wish Tasha would have it out with her father. I know it won't change anything for FIL, but I think it would make Tasha feel better. Her family never really says what's on their minds anyway. It's either danced around or sugar coated or misrepresented.
Ah well. It's over, and I hope we never do that again. If we do, I'm not going to keep my mouth shut, though.
Why the title, "Breaking Wind"? It's what comes out of my in-laws' mouths. It's often foul, lingers long after it's over and either makes you laugh due to its ridiculousness or cry due the pain it caused prior to its evacuation. Stretching, maybe, but it still makes sense. :-)
Anyway, as I sat here waiting, I thought about my in-laws and how I wish they'd stop coming from California.
I'm sorry to those of you who have been curious about my interpretation of the infamous meeting with the therapist a couple of weeks ago. I'll start it now and then if the exterminators interrupt me, I'll finish later.
So, it was a miserable experience. I never enjoy seeing them, except to see my children's happiness at seeing them. They came in the night before and we all, including my parents, had dinner together. Tasha came to the restaurant from work, so she did not have time to change from her man clothes, so the in-laws were comfortable. Eventually, although I only overheard parts of it, the father-in-law started asking questions and spouted concernes about how this transition will affect the kids. This was not the first time this subject was discussed. We talked about it at length when Tasha first told them in February. I wasn't surprised. They never remember anything you tell them. They don't really care to remember because then what ever would you talk about the next time you saw them?
Then, finances came up. Again, it's been discussed. Tasha's hopeful plan is to finish teaching at the end of NEXT year. If we don't have the finances to do so, she won't.
Oops! They're here... More later... :-)
Okay... sorry for that interruption.
The next day, we met at the therapist's office. Right off the bat FIL (father-in-law) was on the defensive. He continually referred to Tasha as he and used his male name. S, our therapist, politely continued to correct him until he abruptly exclaimed that he would use whatever pronoun or name he wanted. Then, the questions... the same questions... were asked. You can read Tasha's blog for the details. But what really got to me was SMIL (stepmother-in-law) saying over and over again, "But you're such a great actor." This, after exclaiming upon seeing Tasha that she looked like she was wearing a costume.
Here's the thing. I know what SMIL was trying to say with the costume comment. "I'm not used to seeing you with women's clothes on." And, "You're such a great actor," meant, "Your such a smart person and you can be very convincing. Are you sure this is what you want?"
Said in translation, it seems like she really cares, right? But here's how it comes out: The costume comment is interpreted as "You look ridiculous." The actor comment is interpreted as "You hate yourself so much that you're looking for something big and extreme to get attention and you're such a good actor that you've convinced YOURSELF that this is real, but it's not."
Should I (and Tasha) forgive her knowing what she probably meant? The thing is that I like to hope for the positive even when I know from experience that it is not the case. So, no.
I was glad my dad was there because, although he kept his mouth shut most of the time, he opened it when it was necessary to ease some of Natasha's pain at having to listen to her father and step-mother question the validity of the condition and the therapist's credentials to treat her. Yes, I can definitely understand concern. I know it is hard to swallow at first. Nobody is saying that acceptance should be easy and without reservation. The problem with the session was that Tasha's parents came in with an idea that they did not change through the course of the hour. While FIL admitted to my dad that he felt better about things after it was over, he felt better about the sanity of my kids, rather than feeling better about his relationship with his daughter.
The day just got worse, but I won't get into it since Tasha told you what happened at dinner. We should not have gone, but we went because the kids needed to see them.
Tasha did not let me say anything at the session. I mean she told me before that I was not to tell them off or anything. I almost did when they questioned our ability to do what's right for our children, but I didn't. What I really wanted to say was, "F**k you, you piece of s**t! Who are you to criticize how we raise our children? You were the sh*ttiest father I've ever met. You have no credibility as a responsible, moral person, especially since you left your first wife... Tasha's mother... for her best friend, cheated on HER, and left Tasha alone for weeks at a time so that you could run off wherever! You should go rot!"
Now, I do have some tact. It wouldn't have come out like that. However, he definitely would have been called out on his hypocrisy. Oh, you bet! There are so many things I want to say to them both. They're fake. They're insincere. They're materialistic and they are selfish. Their hypocrisy gets me the most. I mean, come on! Tasha's father has so much money that to pay for her surgery AND get a new hairline would be like handing out the change in his pocket. He claims to care about what Tasha is going through and he claims to be supportive, but do you think he's going to pay for the surgery?
So, that's my rant about my in-laws. Taaha's mother is much more supportive, but will also probably not give a single dime even though she could. But emotionally, she's in the game. It's not surprising to me because it doesn't really affect her. Really. That's how she thinks. She doesn't really care either way, except that now she has another daughter to buy girly things for (tacky, but girly). Whatever her motive, at least she isn't doubting.
Some day, our kids are going to understand how we really feel about FIL and SMIL. We're not necessarily going to straight-up tell them, but they are already quite observant and we will not lie to them if they start asking questions. They will see how Tasha and I are treated (especially Tasha. I think at the very least FIL and SMIL are impressed with my fortitude and seem to be treating me a little more respectfully... a little). Perhaps my in-laws will begin to understand what they have done when their grandkids don't want to see them or, more likely, when they confront their grandparents. I just wish Tasha would have it out with her father. I know it won't change anything for FIL, but I think it would make Tasha feel better. Her family never really says what's on their minds anyway. It's either danced around or sugar coated or misrepresented.
Ah well. It's over, and I hope we never do that again. If we do, I'm not going to keep my mouth shut, though.
Why the title, "Breaking Wind"? It's what comes out of my in-laws' mouths. It's often foul, lingers long after it's over and either makes you laugh due to its ridiculousness or cry due the pain it caused prior to its evacuation. Stretching, maybe, but it still makes sense. :-)
Monday, March 21, 2011
Being the Partner
Okay, so it's been a long while since I've written, and I am sorry for that. As much as I love to have my family around all the time, the downside is that most of the things I get done when they are not here don't get done. :-)
Today, I want to write to the partners. I hope that the trans folk will find something at least entertaining in this post, but my audience is the partners. I mentioned this was coming in my last blog, so here it is. It's not an angry blog, though, if you were concerned. :-)
Why is it that some partners stay and others don't? Are you in this position where you are trying to decide which way you will go? My spouse, Tasha, has not completely transitioned, so I can not guarantee that I will always be married to her, but at this point, I feel mostly certain that the likelihood of my departure is very small. How can I say this with such sureness? I have asked myself... many times... certain questions that I think every partner, whether married or not, should ask before making the decision to stay or go.
When all of this first started, I insisted that I could not live with my husband being a full-time woman. I couldn't imagine it. I think that was my problem: I tried to imagine it. In reality, you just can't do that. I finally sat down and asked myself, "Why did you marry him?"
I married my husband because of a long list of personality traits and a short list of physical traits. Earlier on in her transition, I worried a lot about the disappearance of those personality traits. So far, none on this list have disappeared. Now, my husband was not perfect. He had little quirks about him, as does everyone, but these never outweighed the positive things. Unfortunately, most of the quirks have stayed. :-)
With the personality items safely secured, I turned toward the physical attributes. For me, I have an attraction to height and build (build being stocky, not buff). Sadly for Tasha, neither of these items will ever be changed with any amount of estrogen or surgery. I don't happen to be a very "physically oriented" person. I might find someone cute, but ultimately what attracts me to a person is his personality. I was lucky to realize that the few physical traits that attracted me to him would stay.
So, there was my package... complete. But then, why was I still having doubts?
I've mentioned my pet name for Tasha before (well, it's not the actual one). It was not until only a few months ago that I started asking myself what that name meant to me. In a nutshell, that name was a personality. Just like on my list, these items of psyche were gender neutral. If what really mattered to me was that I would not lose my Bubbow, and if my Bubbow had no gender definition, then what was the problem?
This is where I am now.
So, I continue to read about so many partners who end up leaving. Some leave in the beginning, some during transition and some after transition is complete. There are two major reasons why this happens... at whatever period. Either the physical aspect of the partner means more than the personality or there was something wrong with the partnership/marriage before this ever came up.
For the former, it's not unusual to be highly sexual and if this is the case and a person is a definite heterosexual, then I can totally understand not wanting to be with the transitioning person. Non-transitioning people don't just switch sexual orientation. I don't buy the mid-life swinging door. Either you are or you aren't and either you admit to it or you don't.
For the latter, I also understand when this is just the last straw. What I don't understand is blaming the split-up on the TS and not the real issue. It is my guess that this is what happens most often. Personally, I think most people get married for the wrong reasons and to people the don't really have a connection to anyway, so when something big like this comes along, the partner has the perfect excuse to get out and place the blame on the TS. It is this latter group that I suspect is the larger of the two and is the main audience for this particular entry.
Why did you marry your spouse/start a relationship with your partner? Was he or she your soul mate? Did you feel that connection? If you say, "I thought I did," then you really didn't. I'm sorry, but if you really know yourself and you listen to your instincts, you really do know and you aren't mistaken. That isn't to say that there can be extenuating circumstances that cause a breakup, but even after it's over, if that person really is a soul mate, you continue to admit it but also move on.
Why did you marry your spouse? Did you have any doubts? Did any little red flags go up while you were dating that you chose to ignore?
Do you believe that if things don't work out, there's always divorce?
Did you marry your spouse because he or she was everything you hoped for? Did you make a list and cast a spell? Did you pray for him or her?
When your partner told you that he/she was TS and needed to change genders, what were you afraid of? For me, I thought about our kids. I wasn't sure how it would affect them. I still don't know if there will be adverse reactions in the future when they enter puberty and such, but I have been assured several times by professionals that children most often are influenced most heavily by the reaction of the non-transitioning partner. In this case, it was me. Since I never argued with Tasha about it, because I never blamed her (it is NOT their fault, by the way. It's not like anyone with half a brain would CHOOSE to do this to themselves), because no matter how I was feeling I supported her, our children do not see her TS as something "wrong" or "bad." I suspect that if the kids had been much older when this started, there might have been more to it than that, but still, kids tend to react to their parents' reactions.
Were you afraid of what your friends or neighbors or community might think? That's a valid concern, but in the end, what really matters? Is a friend a true friend if he/she shuns you for something you can't help? What could your neighbors possibly do to you? Not talk to you? Will your church excommunicate you? What about that... If you accept your spouse because you love him/her, would you really want to be a member of a community that preaches love but with conditions?
What about your family? I ask: did your family marry your spouse, or did you? Were you afraid that they would no longer speak to you or perhaps even your children? If that did happen, I ask: what does that say about your family?
Were you afraid that you would lose your job? Well, that's against the law, so you'd have a giant settlement. If you were afraid that your spouse would lose his/her job, that's definitely justified. Hopefully, you and your spouse discussed this and have a plan. It's hard in this economic climate. Trust me: I know. We don't even know if our little two-year plan will work because if I can't find a job with benefits (or our new little baking business doesn't take off enough to provide benefits), then Tasha can't leave her job and begin to live full-time.
One really amazing thing that comes with being a partner of a TS is that both of you must face certain realities. You get to learn who your true friends are. You begin to understand your own levels of strength or weakness and those of your family members. You are suddenly faced with having to analyze the true nature of your relationship with your partner. Even if you choose to leave, you have revealed something about yourself. Are you running from a stressful situation? Are you going to be friends? Will you still support his/her transition? Do you hate him/her for doing this?
Many people leave because they find the situation very stressful, which it definitely is. But I want to say again that you discover under not uncertain terms what kind of person you are. When you get married, the idea is that you have chosen to be with this person no matter what comes at you and this is key: transsexualism COMES AT YOU. It happens TO someone. No one chooses it. It's not like your partner cheated on you or has a gambling or drinking or drug habit. These things are CHOSEN. When you are married, things that happen TO you are supposed to be dealt with together. Choosing to stay has not been easy sometimes, but when I chose to marry, I did not make that choice lightly.
Did you?
Not every couple that decides to end the relationship does so from a malicious or insensitive place. I am certain that, if I find myself unable to stay married to Tasha, I will continue to love her as my soul mate and I will want her in my life as much as possible. I would never blame her for any of it. Yet, there are so many couples whose relationships end in fire and brimstone and hatred and blame. Partners must realize that someone who is transsexual really can't stay in a body that doesn't match the brain's gender. They might try... for decades... but notice the sadness... it's there... and they are staying that way either because they can't afford the transition or some other extenuating circumstance, or they're doing it for you, the partner, because you value your own happiness more.
Have you read all you could about transsexualism? Do you know the difference between it and being transgendered? Do you know what Gender Identity Disorder is? Do you know about the politics surrounding this issue, both within and without the TS and LGBT communities? Have you seen a therapist who knows about this stuff? Have you done EVERYTHING YOU POSSIBLY CAN to understand what's going on?
If you have, then I ask: If you are thinking of ending the relationship, what are your true reasons for doing so? Are they really the truth? Are they really based on sound reasoning?
Just like the TS community, we spouses are also not alone. The more we share our experiences with others, the less alone we will feel. We will be armed with even more information with which to choose our next steps. If you really do love your spouse, but are simply angry with what is happening, you can be angry, but be angry at the situation, not at the person who brings it to the table. Remember that he or she is having as hard a time as we are, only in a different way. Remember to TALK about your feelings and be willing to listen and to ask questions. And also, if you don't think you are handling this as well as you thought you would, before making any decisions you might regret, don't be afraid to go outside of your marriage or friendships for professional help. To ask for help is to show STRENGTH, not weakness. Weak people run; strong people fight and seek support. If, after you have tried your best, you find that it is best to end the relationship, do so with open eyes. Use your strength to rebuild for the both of you; don't be weak and hide away from your past.
You owe it to yourself and to your family (especially if you have kids) to look closely at your life to discover what really drives you and your decision-making. Know that every move you make defines you and sets an example for your children, family and friends. Even though the transition process is about your partner, YOU are the true hub of the wheel. Your actions determine the future at least as much, if not more.
Today, I want to write to the partners. I hope that the trans folk will find something at least entertaining in this post, but my audience is the partners. I mentioned this was coming in my last blog, so here it is. It's not an angry blog, though, if you were concerned. :-)
Why is it that some partners stay and others don't? Are you in this position where you are trying to decide which way you will go? My spouse, Tasha, has not completely transitioned, so I can not guarantee that I will always be married to her, but at this point, I feel mostly certain that the likelihood of my departure is very small. How can I say this with such sureness? I have asked myself... many times... certain questions that I think every partner, whether married or not, should ask before making the decision to stay or go.
When all of this first started, I insisted that I could not live with my husband being a full-time woman. I couldn't imagine it. I think that was my problem: I tried to imagine it. In reality, you just can't do that. I finally sat down and asked myself, "Why did you marry him?"
I married my husband because of a long list of personality traits and a short list of physical traits. Earlier on in her transition, I worried a lot about the disappearance of those personality traits. So far, none on this list have disappeared. Now, my husband was not perfect. He had little quirks about him, as does everyone, but these never outweighed the positive things. Unfortunately, most of the quirks have stayed. :-)
With the personality items safely secured, I turned toward the physical attributes. For me, I have an attraction to height and build (build being stocky, not buff). Sadly for Tasha, neither of these items will ever be changed with any amount of estrogen or surgery. I don't happen to be a very "physically oriented" person. I might find someone cute, but ultimately what attracts me to a person is his personality. I was lucky to realize that the few physical traits that attracted me to him would stay.
So, there was my package... complete. But then, why was I still having doubts?
I've mentioned my pet name for Tasha before (well, it's not the actual one). It was not until only a few months ago that I started asking myself what that name meant to me. In a nutshell, that name was a personality. Just like on my list, these items of psyche were gender neutral. If what really mattered to me was that I would not lose my Bubbow, and if my Bubbow had no gender definition, then what was the problem?
This is where I am now.
So, I continue to read about so many partners who end up leaving. Some leave in the beginning, some during transition and some after transition is complete. There are two major reasons why this happens... at whatever period. Either the physical aspect of the partner means more than the personality or there was something wrong with the partnership/marriage before this ever came up.
For the former, it's not unusual to be highly sexual and if this is the case and a person is a definite heterosexual, then I can totally understand not wanting to be with the transitioning person. Non-transitioning people don't just switch sexual orientation. I don't buy the mid-life swinging door. Either you are or you aren't and either you admit to it or you don't.
For the latter, I also understand when this is just the last straw. What I don't understand is blaming the split-up on the TS and not the real issue. It is my guess that this is what happens most often. Personally, I think most people get married for the wrong reasons and to people the don't really have a connection to anyway, so when something big like this comes along, the partner has the perfect excuse to get out and place the blame on the TS. It is this latter group that I suspect is the larger of the two and is the main audience for this particular entry.
Why did you marry your spouse/start a relationship with your partner? Was he or she your soul mate? Did you feel that connection? If you say, "I thought I did," then you really didn't. I'm sorry, but if you really know yourself and you listen to your instincts, you really do know and you aren't mistaken. That isn't to say that there can be extenuating circumstances that cause a breakup, but even after it's over, if that person really is a soul mate, you continue to admit it but also move on.
Why did you marry your spouse? Did you have any doubts? Did any little red flags go up while you were dating that you chose to ignore?
Do you believe that if things don't work out, there's always divorce?
Did you marry your spouse because he or she was everything you hoped for? Did you make a list and cast a spell? Did you pray for him or her?
When your partner told you that he/she was TS and needed to change genders, what were you afraid of? For me, I thought about our kids. I wasn't sure how it would affect them. I still don't know if there will be adverse reactions in the future when they enter puberty and such, but I have been assured several times by professionals that children most often are influenced most heavily by the reaction of the non-transitioning partner. In this case, it was me. Since I never argued with Tasha about it, because I never blamed her (it is NOT their fault, by the way. It's not like anyone with half a brain would CHOOSE to do this to themselves), because no matter how I was feeling I supported her, our children do not see her TS as something "wrong" or "bad." I suspect that if the kids had been much older when this started, there might have been more to it than that, but still, kids tend to react to their parents' reactions.
Were you afraid of what your friends or neighbors or community might think? That's a valid concern, but in the end, what really matters? Is a friend a true friend if he/she shuns you for something you can't help? What could your neighbors possibly do to you? Not talk to you? Will your church excommunicate you? What about that... If you accept your spouse because you love him/her, would you really want to be a member of a community that preaches love but with conditions?
What about your family? I ask: did your family marry your spouse, or did you? Were you afraid that they would no longer speak to you or perhaps even your children? If that did happen, I ask: what does that say about your family?
Were you afraid that you would lose your job? Well, that's against the law, so you'd have a giant settlement. If you were afraid that your spouse would lose his/her job, that's definitely justified. Hopefully, you and your spouse discussed this and have a plan. It's hard in this economic climate. Trust me: I know. We don't even know if our little two-year plan will work because if I can't find a job with benefits (or our new little baking business doesn't take off enough to provide benefits), then Tasha can't leave her job and begin to live full-time.
One really amazing thing that comes with being a partner of a TS is that both of you must face certain realities. You get to learn who your true friends are. You begin to understand your own levels of strength or weakness and those of your family members. You are suddenly faced with having to analyze the true nature of your relationship with your partner. Even if you choose to leave, you have revealed something about yourself. Are you running from a stressful situation? Are you going to be friends? Will you still support his/her transition? Do you hate him/her for doing this?
Many people leave because they find the situation very stressful, which it definitely is. But I want to say again that you discover under not uncertain terms what kind of person you are. When you get married, the idea is that you have chosen to be with this person no matter what comes at you and this is key: transsexualism COMES AT YOU. It happens TO someone. No one chooses it. It's not like your partner cheated on you or has a gambling or drinking or drug habit. These things are CHOSEN. When you are married, things that happen TO you are supposed to be dealt with together. Choosing to stay has not been easy sometimes, but when I chose to marry, I did not make that choice lightly.
Did you?
Not every couple that decides to end the relationship does so from a malicious or insensitive place. I am certain that, if I find myself unable to stay married to Tasha, I will continue to love her as my soul mate and I will want her in my life as much as possible. I would never blame her for any of it. Yet, there are so many couples whose relationships end in fire and brimstone and hatred and blame. Partners must realize that someone who is transsexual really can't stay in a body that doesn't match the brain's gender. They might try... for decades... but notice the sadness... it's there... and they are staying that way either because they can't afford the transition or some other extenuating circumstance, or they're doing it for you, the partner, because you value your own happiness more.
Have you read all you could about transsexualism? Do you know the difference between it and being transgendered? Do you know what Gender Identity Disorder is? Do you know about the politics surrounding this issue, both within and without the TS and LGBT communities? Have you seen a therapist who knows about this stuff? Have you done EVERYTHING YOU POSSIBLY CAN to understand what's going on?
If you have, then I ask: If you are thinking of ending the relationship, what are your true reasons for doing so? Are they really the truth? Are they really based on sound reasoning?
Just like the TS community, we spouses are also not alone. The more we share our experiences with others, the less alone we will feel. We will be armed with even more information with which to choose our next steps. If you really do love your spouse, but are simply angry with what is happening, you can be angry, but be angry at the situation, not at the person who brings it to the table. Remember that he or she is having as hard a time as we are, only in a different way. Remember to TALK about your feelings and be willing to listen and to ask questions. And also, if you don't think you are handling this as well as you thought you would, before making any decisions you might regret, don't be afraid to go outside of your marriage or friendships for professional help. To ask for help is to show STRENGTH, not weakness. Weak people run; strong people fight and seek support. If, after you have tried your best, you find that it is best to end the relationship, do so with open eyes. Use your strength to rebuild for the both of you; don't be weak and hide away from your past.
You owe it to yourself and to your family (especially if you have kids) to look closely at your life to discover what really drives you and your decision-making. Know that every move you make defines you and sets an example for your children, family and friends. Even though the transition process is about your partner, YOU are the true hub of the wheel. Your actions determine the future at least as much, if not more.
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