I've been reading a blog by a transwoman who also happens to be somewhat of a celebrity in certain circles. She never came out in her job. She didn't tell most of the people in her life. She "secretly" tried to transition. More recently, she shared that her spouse was not able to take being married to a woman, even a part-time woman, and the blogger resigned herself to being a husband for his wife.
Now, his wife has come to the conclusion that choosing that path is wrong for both of them. It is not fair for the blogger to trap herself in a body that doesn't fit and it's not fair for the wife that she was forced to change the nature of her marriage.
Nobody wins.
The blogger made a comment that she loved her wife as much as ever, but her wife did not. The wife's love had diminished.
Was this really true?
I have a wonderful reader who is the spouse of a transwoman. Their situation is similar to ours, with two young kids and a strong desire to support the transitioning (or in my case, transitioned) partner. She commented the other day that sometimes "love is not enough."
Could this be true, too?
In thinking about my own situation, I feel a lot of love. That love hurts sometimes, but mostly, it's just some nice, comfortable love.
If we don't stay together, does that mean that my love for Natasha lessened somehow? Has that already happened?
I don't think so. And what, exactly, is love, anyway? Isn't love the way you feel about somebody when you want to be with someone and you want to share your life with that person and you want the best for that person and you want that person to be happy?
Has that changed for me?
No. Not at all.
But I love me, too. I really do. Sometimes, one's love for another ends up clashing with one's love for oneself. That's why nobody wins in this kind of situation. It's because we love our spouses that this situation hurts so much for both parties. Love, you see, is spiritual. Physiology has nothing to do with love.
This, I think, is the problem. You can't change your physiology any more than you can change who you love and both forces are equally as great. Now, if you're lucky, your physiology attracts you to both genders and everything is wonderful. But really, how common is that? It's really not. Maybe some day, in a utopic world, we won't have genders and we'll all be able to have babies and our physiology won't stand in the way of love. But I don't think Nature works that way, not when your species is at the top of the food chain and has no problem reproducing in abundance. Anyway, here's my point:
A loss of love has nothing to do with it. I truly and honestly think that we three wives have not changed how much we love our spouses. In reality, our natural instincts are telling us that what we need is no longer present and that feels really weird in such a way that we cannot seem to get past.
It is, however, love that makes us want to keep our spouses in our lives in some way or another. It is love that makes me understand that I am still very happy where I am. It's love that twists my stomach into knots every now and then with guilt that I think about my needs that my spouse can no longer meet. Love makes me feel guilty that my physiology isn't compatible with the situation and wish with all my heart that I could change that... that I could somehow grasp more of my liberal attitude about life and sexuality and just push it a little further. Love is what I show my children so that they understand that what their Sunny has gone through was something that had to be done for the good of all.
Love kept us from running at first mention of gender dysphoria.
But love might have to be what helps us to make the tough decisions, too. Love may help us make our own transitions with our spouses from marriage to partnership or some other form of relationship. Love helps us to make necessary sacrifices, like the one we wives made when we gave up our husbands so that our best friends could be happier.
Love has to be enough. It has to be, or it will all end in ruin. We have to remind ourselves how much we love the other person so that, no matter what happens, we make the most loving and best decisions for everyone. Love gets us past the fear of the unknown. Love reminds us of the good things that have remained, even when other things have changed.
Love tells our physiology that some things are more important right now, and that we'll get to those other issues later.
Look: the bottom line is that the vast majority of transfolk can not maintain a life of non-transition. It's a part of the medical problem. It's a compulsion of hatred of one's body that only builds over time unless heavy medication is involved. We know that they aren't doing this "on purpose." It's never something they choose to have happen to themselves. We spouses and partners should understand that from first-hand experience. Sure, not every transperson handles the compulsion well. Sometimes they are completely selfish and lay it all on the table as a take-it-or-leave-it scenario, but then, how much love was there for that person to behave that way? From my experience, most transfolk in relationships do handle things much better than that, often resorting to being secretive because of fear, rather than because of some weird sense of power or ego. Regardless, if we love the transperson, we want the best for that person. Ninety-nine percent of the time, when diagnosed correctly, what is best is transition. It's a horrible list of choices for everyone, but it is, admittedly, the best choice. Suicide and/or heavy anti-depressants are the other choices.
Love tells us to just hold on, hope for the best, but accept what comes and keep trying to deal with it. Love tells us when we can't do that anymore, too. That's what we spouses and partners have to keep reminding ourselves, and that's what we have to tell our trans partners if they question it. We love them no less. We wouldn't be having these conversations if our love had waned. It's quite the contrary, frankly, and that's what makes the whole thing suck so much.
It's not about the love. Trust us.
No, my wonderful reader. Love may not be enough to keep your marriage together, but it will be enough for you and your spouse to make the right decisions and remain good, proud parents and friends for the rest of your lives.
Thursday, January 17, 2013
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
Perspective
In the last few months I've not had much to report. Mostly, things are status quo on the transition front, mainly because the transition is over and we are trying to get back to life in general. Mostly, we're still having financial problems, now due to the company I work for that decided to take me off of teaching duty and keep me on for other stuff while they take care of some company issues.
Having had about six months to think about other things than my spouse becoming a woman, I've been able to look more closely at myself. I'm typically someone who doesn't do that too often, since I don't like much and I easily find gaping flaws. Still, being at a point where Natasha can explore her sexuality more gave me cause to dig deeper, since I really do want to make all this work out in the end.
We haven't done anything yet. Mainly, I think it's because of me. We've discussed our situation several times and came to the conclusion that, as it was before, sex isn't the most important thing in our relationship. We've got some toys. We used them in the past... long before when we were just a regular, heterosexual couple... we're just not really using them together. Not surprising to many readers, I'm sure. I can hear some of you saying, "Ummm hmmmm. I saw this coming and I told you so." Well, it's not so bad as you might think. Like I said, this does not cause a divorce, at least for me.
Natasha told me a while ago that she tried to put herself in my position. She considered how she would probably have felt had I been the one to transition. She admitted that she would not have been able to stay with me as a spouse. As a woman, the thought of even snuggling with a man grosses her out. I can't imagine that being different had she remained a man. She said she wouldn't blame me if I find one day that I can't stay married to her. This is what got me thinking. You see, I'm in my early 40s and although my sex drive dropped to zero after I got pregnant the first time, it's been ramping up. Some days it matters and that's when the toy comes out. I had to admit to myself that I am who I am. I happen to be a very open-minded person, but my physiology says that I'm heterosexual. It's just that way. I love Natasha to death. She is one of my soul mates. She is my best friend. But I really am not attracted to girls. Nothing I can do about that.
But again, I have no need to get divorced because of it.
I do have a worry, though, and this is why I called this entry "Perspective." In a previous post, I said that I've thought of Natasha's transition like a person who has become a paraplegic. Same person inside but unable to do things, like have sex. For the most part my analogy holds water. However, there is something in my... instincts?... that tells me that it's about more than sex. It's about bonding and pairing. This is what I'm currently struggling with (not actively, mind you. I'm quite content in the relationship department, thanks). Something within me says that I'm not paired with a male and that's not "right" for me. Had she been in an accident that left her paralyzed, she'd still be a man, and, sadly, I think that does matter in a way.
Remember that even though Natasha has been presenting female, it's barely been about 18 months. I'm 41, which makes 18 months not a long time at all. In actuality, I'm still getting used to this. I've come a very long way since all this started in June 2009. At first there was no way I would accept my spouse as fully female. I was ready to say no to that in a heartbeat. Now, I'm happy living with a female spouse. No, I'm not blissful, but happy is pretty darn good! It implies that it is reasonable to think that some day what feels "right" may change.
It might not change. At that point, we'll have to deal with it. When might that point be? I suspect if I EVER meet a guy who is a soul mate is totally awesome, it might become an issue. I'm not looking for him, so don't hold your breath.
If you look over previous posts and many of the comments made, you'll see that I was strongly not in favor of those partners who turned and ran at first mention of GID. I'm still standing my ground here. Yes, I totally understand it if a person views sex as a central part of a relationship and has no inclination towards the same gender. If that person wants to turn away, that's fine. Our decisions and actions define us. But if sex is not central to a relationship (sure, it can still be important, but not the be-all, end-all), then I still say that it is vital to be willing to support those you love and try your very, very hardest to adjust. I'm still adjusting, and even if some day I find that I cannot adjust any more, at least I will be able to shift my life with Natasha into something else just as meaningful, without anger, without feeling like I could have done something else or should have done something more. When you are in a relationship that means the world to you, you give everything to keep it. You don't just turn away.
In spite of the fact that I still have worries, I will not diminish the value of my relationship with Natasha by quitting. We are both suffering because of something neither of us chose. Even with my present perspective, I still cannot see either of us going it alone. I will not be responsible for adding grief where it isn't necessary. Happiness is a big accomplishment, and I have it within my family.
Natasha will read this and feel sad, I'm sure. She still blames herself for what she's "done to our family." But she will also recognize that I love her so much that I am still walking beside her. She is still my Woobie. Things happen and change. Strong people don't give up: they go on. That's why I thought I should post an update for you. Things are better. I've been able to concentrate more on myself lately, and that's a great thing! We weathered the storm together, right? Heck, I've even decided to renew the pursuit of the one career I have passion for other than writing, and if things go the way I want them to, it's going to totally uproot my family and turn the next two years or so into a busy, stressful, amazing transition for us all. Maybe it was Natasha's transition that got my mind wondering about changing my own life into something more akin to what I dreamed about but had to give up. If she can become the person she needs to be, so can I - only not quite as drastic.
In short - yeah, right - I'm still saying "don't give up!" I won't.
Having had about six months to think about other things than my spouse becoming a woman, I've been able to look more closely at myself. I'm typically someone who doesn't do that too often, since I don't like much and I easily find gaping flaws. Still, being at a point where Natasha can explore her sexuality more gave me cause to dig deeper, since I really do want to make all this work out in the end.
We haven't done anything yet. Mainly, I think it's because of me. We've discussed our situation several times and came to the conclusion that, as it was before, sex isn't the most important thing in our relationship. We've got some toys. We used them in the past... long before when we were just a regular, heterosexual couple... we're just not really using them together. Not surprising to many readers, I'm sure. I can hear some of you saying, "Ummm hmmmm. I saw this coming and I told you so." Well, it's not so bad as you might think. Like I said, this does not cause a divorce, at least for me.
Natasha told me a while ago that she tried to put herself in my position. She considered how she would probably have felt had I been the one to transition. She admitted that she would not have been able to stay with me as a spouse. As a woman, the thought of even snuggling with a man grosses her out. I can't imagine that being different had she remained a man. She said she wouldn't blame me if I find one day that I can't stay married to her. This is what got me thinking. You see, I'm in my early 40s and although my sex drive dropped to zero after I got pregnant the first time, it's been ramping up. Some days it matters and that's when the toy comes out. I had to admit to myself that I am who I am. I happen to be a very open-minded person, but my physiology says that I'm heterosexual. It's just that way. I love Natasha to death. She is one of my soul mates. She is my best friend. But I really am not attracted to girls. Nothing I can do about that.
But again, I have no need to get divorced because of it.
I do have a worry, though, and this is why I called this entry "Perspective." In a previous post, I said that I've thought of Natasha's transition like a person who has become a paraplegic. Same person inside but unable to do things, like have sex. For the most part my analogy holds water. However, there is something in my... instincts?... that tells me that it's about more than sex. It's about bonding and pairing. This is what I'm currently struggling with (not actively, mind you. I'm quite content in the relationship department, thanks). Something within me says that I'm not paired with a male and that's not "right" for me. Had she been in an accident that left her paralyzed, she'd still be a man, and, sadly, I think that does matter in a way.
Remember that even though Natasha has been presenting female, it's barely been about 18 months. I'm 41, which makes 18 months not a long time at all. In actuality, I'm still getting used to this. I've come a very long way since all this started in June 2009. At first there was no way I would accept my spouse as fully female. I was ready to say no to that in a heartbeat. Now, I'm happy living with a female spouse. No, I'm not blissful, but happy is pretty darn good! It implies that it is reasonable to think that some day what feels "right" may change.
It might not change. At that point, we'll have to deal with it. When might that point be? I suspect if I EVER meet a guy who is a soul mate is totally awesome, it might become an issue. I'm not looking for him, so don't hold your breath.
If you look over previous posts and many of the comments made, you'll see that I was strongly not in favor of those partners who turned and ran at first mention of GID. I'm still standing my ground here. Yes, I totally understand it if a person views sex as a central part of a relationship and has no inclination towards the same gender. If that person wants to turn away, that's fine. Our decisions and actions define us. But if sex is not central to a relationship (sure, it can still be important, but not the be-all, end-all), then I still say that it is vital to be willing to support those you love and try your very, very hardest to adjust. I'm still adjusting, and even if some day I find that I cannot adjust any more, at least I will be able to shift my life with Natasha into something else just as meaningful, without anger, without feeling like I could have done something else or should have done something more. When you are in a relationship that means the world to you, you give everything to keep it. You don't just turn away.
In spite of the fact that I still have worries, I will not diminish the value of my relationship with Natasha by quitting. We are both suffering because of something neither of us chose. Even with my present perspective, I still cannot see either of us going it alone. I will not be responsible for adding grief where it isn't necessary. Happiness is a big accomplishment, and I have it within my family.
Natasha will read this and feel sad, I'm sure. She still blames herself for what she's "done to our family." But she will also recognize that I love her so much that I am still walking beside her. She is still my Woobie. Things happen and change. Strong people don't give up: they go on. That's why I thought I should post an update for you. Things are better. I've been able to concentrate more on myself lately, and that's a great thing! We weathered the storm together, right? Heck, I've even decided to renew the pursuit of the one career I have passion for other than writing, and if things go the way I want them to, it's going to totally uproot my family and turn the next two years or so into a busy, stressful, amazing transition for us all. Maybe it was Natasha's transition that got my mind wondering about changing my own life into something more akin to what I dreamed about but had to give up. If she can become the person she needs to be, so can I - only not quite as drastic.
In short - yeah, right - I'm still saying "don't give up!" I won't.
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
If You Didn't Know, You Wouldn't Know
The other day, as Natasha was "doing her thing," as we have officially dubbed her dialating routine, I came in to talk to her about something. Whenever I do this, I always glance down at her nether regions to see how the swelling has gone down. All I really see is the mons (that mound of flesh in front of everything else), but on this particular day, i asked if I could look at the rest of it. Yeah, I know what a vagina looks like. I've seen a few, even besides my own and our daughter's, but not my spouse's.
What are you supposed to expect when you look at a doctor-constructed vagina, anyway? I expected to see scars. I've got scars from C sections and breast reduction (a whole other story). She's got the little scars on the mons, but you wouldn't see them if you didn't know to look for them.
So, she let me look.
Holy crap!
If you didn't know she was a post-op trans, you would never have guessed it. Seriously. Dr. Brassard is a frickin' genius!
What did I say to this? "Wow. That's a vagina. You have a vagina."
Like I didn't know that already.
I think one of the character traits I have that has helped me through Natasha's transition is my sense of humor, and I'm not kidding about that. I happen to be fascinated by the human body and the things people do to it, but more so I find humor in strange situations. I can say for certain that, even after three years, this is still a strange situation for me. Pointing out the obvious... that she has a vagina... is funny to me and to her, especially when I say "vagiiiiiiiina," instead of "vagina." I never expected to discuss my spouse's vagina. Ever. So that in itself is funny.
In reality, I have serious moments when I think about the approaching time when she is ready to explore her sexuality. I want to WANT to be a part of that, but I'm unsure of just how liberal I am. Yet, because sex just isn't the big deal for what defines the success of our marriage, I find humor in everything else that she's going through. Even the voice lessons she's started. I happen to be a trained classical vocalist (quite out of shape, but I used to be pretty darn good). When she was using those stupid vocal CDs that said every woman must speak at, like, the G above middle C, I wanted to "accidentally" smash them under the tires of our minivan. This guy she's seeing has put her at a much more reasonable F below middle C (which I think is still a touch too high), but when she practices she also over enunciates and she sounds like one of those awful, scripted webinar people who have no acting skills. It's really funny!
Anyway, back to her vagina.
I have so many memories of Jonathan and I know that they will fade over time. I have absolutely no desire to remove Jonathan from my memory, or from our children's memories. I have, nevertheless, reached the point where I'm no longer uncomfortable telling strangers that my spouse is a woman. Until recently, I would get this twisting feeling in my gut when I knew I had to say something about that. The fact is that either I could care less about what the particular person thinks of me or I actually like the person which means that that person wouldn't have a hang-up about me having a woman spouse.
You just can't tell anymore that Natasha was Jonathan if you didn't ever know her as a man.
I know that there are a lot of trans folk out there who are afraid that they are just too "manly" or "feminine" to ever pass as the other gender. Natasha was lucky in that regard because of her facial structure. But she still has the height and build. Yet, she totally passes.
If you are reading this and are just starting out, or you've been on the road for some time but know you have a ways to go, just keep going. Be open to criticism so that you will be open to change. Accept advice about clothes, makeup, voice, behavior... especially from someone who'se been doing it for a lifetime. Most importantly, learn to be happy with what you have (or save your money to make some alterations). If you FEEL like you're in the right body (at least mostly), then allow yourself to find some happiness in that. Try not to focus on the future because things might not turn out the way you want them to. Find small accomplishments and celebrate them instead of diminishing them against the grand dreams of the future. You'll just make yourself and others around you very miserable.
And hopefully, some day, people won't know what they didn't need to know. You know?
More to come...
What are you supposed to expect when you look at a doctor-constructed vagina, anyway? I expected to see scars. I've got scars from C sections and breast reduction (a whole other story). She's got the little scars on the mons, but you wouldn't see them if you didn't know to look for them.
So, she let me look.
Holy crap!
If you didn't know she was a post-op trans, you would never have guessed it. Seriously. Dr. Brassard is a frickin' genius!
What did I say to this? "Wow. That's a vagina. You have a vagina."
Like I didn't know that already.
I think one of the character traits I have that has helped me through Natasha's transition is my sense of humor, and I'm not kidding about that. I happen to be fascinated by the human body and the things people do to it, but more so I find humor in strange situations. I can say for certain that, even after three years, this is still a strange situation for me. Pointing out the obvious... that she has a vagina... is funny to me and to her, especially when I say "vagiiiiiiiina," instead of "vagina." I never expected to discuss my spouse's vagina. Ever. So that in itself is funny.
In reality, I have serious moments when I think about the approaching time when she is ready to explore her sexuality. I want to WANT to be a part of that, but I'm unsure of just how liberal I am. Yet, because sex just isn't the big deal for what defines the success of our marriage, I find humor in everything else that she's going through. Even the voice lessons she's started. I happen to be a trained classical vocalist (quite out of shape, but I used to be pretty darn good). When she was using those stupid vocal CDs that said every woman must speak at, like, the G above middle C, I wanted to "accidentally" smash them under the tires of our minivan. This guy she's seeing has put her at a much more reasonable F below middle C (which I think is still a touch too high), but when she practices she also over enunciates and she sounds like one of those awful, scripted webinar people who have no acting skills. It's really funny!
Anyway, back to her vagina.
I have so many memories of Jonathan and I know that they will fade over time. I have absolutely no desire to remove Jonathan from my memory, or from our children's memories. I have, nevertheless, reached the point where I'm no longer uncomfortable telling strangers that my spouse is a woman. Until recently, I would get this twisting feeling in my gut when I knew I had to say something about that. The fact is that either I could care less about what the particular person thinks of me or I actually like the person which means that that person wouldn't have a hang-up about me having a woman spouse.
You just can't tell anymore that Natasha was Jonathan if you didn't ever know her as a man.
I know that there are a lot of trans folk out there who are afraid that they are just too "manly" or "feminine" to ever pass as the other gender. Natasha was lucky in that regard because of her facial structure. But she still has the height and build. Yet, she totally passes.
If you are reading this and are just starting out, or you've been on the road for some time but know you have a ways to go, just keep going. Be open to criticism so that you will be open to change. Accept advice about clothes, makeup, voice, behavior... especially from someone who'se been doing it for a lifetime. Most importantly, learn to be happy with what you have (or save your money to make some alterations). If you FEEL like you're in the right body (at least mostly), then allow yourself to find some happiness in that. Try not to focus on the future because things might not turn out the way you want them to. Find small accomplishments and celebrate them instead of diminishing them against the grand dreams of the future. You'll just make yourself and others around you very miserable.
And hopefully, some day, people won't know what they didn't need to know. You know?
More to come...
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
Recovery
Natasha is going back to work tomorrow, which is both good and bad. It's good because we need her income and she enjoys her job. It's bad because she'll be out of the house a lot. I'm happy to say that I've felt this summer like I have every summer before, which is that I love it when she's home but I also look forward to a quiet house when everybody goes back to school.
Natasha is most recovered from her GRS, meaning that she's no longer in any significant pain and that she can go back to doing the things she did around the house. She fixed a broken drawer in the kitchen the other night. As much as she never would admit it, she's always been handy. She promised me that once she recovered she'd be more handy around the house. Trust me that I'll hold her to it. :-)
I'm recovering too. This is mostly good. It's only not all good because my mind can now consider the rest of our lives. It's still a bit concerning for me because she is starting to explore how much she can feel down there and although she insists now that she is truly 100% lesbian, neither of us can be completely sure that it won't change. She's also taking Progesterone to fill out her breasts. It's supposed to increase the sex drive, too.
For me, I'm not really nervous about experimenting with her. The closer it gets to happening, the less I feel like it's going to be... yucky. I mean, to be honest, I'm still not "sexually attracted" to her. But I do still love her as much as I ever did and I want to participate in the fun aspect of sex. What's happening to me, though, is that now that my mind is more settled, I'm finding my thoughts stray to male actors or past relationships (including that with my husband). No, I'm not tempted to stray, but I am definitely feeling my primal self. I know that I'll never have those experiences again and that does, in a small and occasional way, sadden me. I'm not just sitting there, pining for a male sexual partner. I don't even think about it much at all... but I do think about it occasionally, and that's the "not all good" part.
Other than that, it is good. I feel like my best friend is coming out of a dark, self-consuming cloud. My spouse has always had something of an ego that often leads to thinking about herself and turning conversations back toward herself, but our friends and I have also always teased her about it because it's not really a big deal. When she was going through transition, it got pretty bad. Now, though, she's back to "normal," which makes me happy. She's more silly, too. She used to be very silly. In short, my Woobie is returning, but as a much happier version. I think the kids see it, too. She vowed to be more playful with them. So far, she's a work in progress. But then, she's always been a work in progress. :-)
So, in summary, now that Natasha has come through the other side of her transition, I am free to worry about everything else. :-D
This adventure is far from over, folks, so I'll be back with more updates. For now, I'm working on my book about being a partner to a transsexual. I hope to finish it in the next month or so. Stay tuned!
Sunday, June 17, 2012
Father's Day
Natasha got home a week ago Friday and she is slowly recovering. Life in our home is, also slowly, getting back to normal. Normal? I've been asked about that a few times. How can life get back to "normal"? You were married to a man and now you're married to a woman. How is that "normal" for you?
1. We're celebrating Father's Day today. True, the kids got their father a pair of earrings, but otherwise, we're going to my folks' house for hamburgers and hot dogs later, just like we've done every year. My spouse gets to eat a bunch of crap food today, just like every year. It's still Father's Day.
2. My spouse still snores and gets grumpy with lack of sleep.
3. My spouse still spends a lot of time on the computer in the designated "Sunny's spot" on the sofa, only it was called "Daddy's spot."
4. My spouse still complains about her weight, just like she did when she was a he.
5. My spouse still likes my cooking.
6, My spouse still thinks I'm the best writer ever (besides her, of course!).
7. We're going to celebrate our tenth anniversary at the place where we had our ceremony, and hopefully both our Bride's Maid and Best Man will be able to make it. Only this time we'll also have our two kids!
8. My dad still pushes my spouse's buttons.
9. Our kids are still two of the most well-adjusted kids on the planet (and we're not the only ones who think so).
10. Every night, our collie still gets on our bed and goes to my spouse for scratchies before we go to sleep.
I could go on, but you get the point.
Now, I know there are some of you out there who are saying, "That's all well and good, but what about sex?"
What about it? We're not doing that right now due to the recovering vagina issue. We haven't done that for a couple of years because of stress and, oh, I don't know... GD!
"Okay, but what about when everything's healed and stuff?"
Lemme put it to you this way...
11. We already had toys. :-D
Maybe I'm being optimistic. However, there's always number 12, which is:
12. I married my soul mate, whom I fell in love with before we had sex and will love forever if we never have it again.
So, Happy Father's Day to all you readers who have kids and were once sperm donors and are now proud parents. Whether or not you have a partner who can or will say it to you, may this Father's Day be as happy as the others simply because you are still who you were. :-)
1. We're celebrating Father's Day today. True, the kids got their father a pair of earrings, but otherwise, we're going to my folks' house for hamburgers and hot dogs later, just like we've done every year. My spouse gets to eat a bunch of crap food today, just like every year. It's still Father's Day.
2. My spouse still snores and gets grumpy with lack of sleep.
3. My spouse still spends a lot of time on the computer in the designated "Sunny's spot" on the sofa, only it was called "Daddy's spot."
4. My spouse still complains about her weight, just like she did when she was a he.
5. My spouse still likes my cooking.
6, My spouse still thinks I'm the best writer ever (besides her, of course!).
7. We're going to celebrate our tenth anniversary at the place where we had our ceremony, and hopefully both our Bride's Maid and Best Man will be able to make it. Only this time we'll also have our two kids!
8. My dad still pushes my spouse's buttons.
9. Our kids are still two of the most well-adjusted kids on the planet (and we're not the only ones who think so).
10. Every night, our collie still gets on our bed and goes to my spouse for scratchies before we go to sleep.
I could go on, but you get the point.
Now, I know there are some of you out there who are saying, "That's all well and good, but what about sex?"
What about it? We're not doing that right now due to the recovering vagina issue. We haven't done that for a couple of years because of stress and, oh, I don't know... GD!
"Okay, but what about when everything's healed and stuff?"
Lemme put it to you this way...
11. We already had toys. :-D
Maybe I'm being optimistic. However, there's always number 12, which is:
12. I married my soul mate, whom I fell in love with before we had sex and will love forever if we never have it again.
So, Happy Father's Day to all you readers who have kids and were once sperm donors and are now proud parents. Whether or not you have a partner who can or will say it to you, may this Father's Day be as happy as the others simply because you are still who you were. :-)
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
Rain on Me
It is just before six in the morning here in Montreal, Canada, where I sit alone in my hotel room across town from Natasha. She is probably asleep at the moment, obliviously sedated from the heavy thunderstorm that woke me about 45 minutes ago. It's a wonderful sound, the thunder. I can hear the rain tapping metal on the roof, too, and it reminds me that rain is cleansing. Unlike in Phoenix, where the accuracy of the weather reporters only extends to if it will be hot or hotter, the Vermont news guy two days ago said it would be storming in this area today and he was right. So, we knew it was coming and that it was coming on Natasha's surgery date. How appropriate, right?
I am accepting this storm as cleansing for me as well. These last few days have been difficult on many levels. For one thing, I'm alone in an unfamiliar place. Although I spent the majority of my adult life navigating big cities alone, I had no interest to do so again. But I am riding the subway and bus, finding my meals, lying in bed by myself. Thank goodness for Skype! It's not that I feel particularly stressed about the being alone part; it's that I'm essentially isolated during a time when I really wish I had someone to stop me from worrying about the last step in this transition.
Our very wonderful friends, who live in New Hampshire, drove us up here on Sunday. I broke down in front of Jack while Natasha was registering in the recovery house. I wasn't worried about the surgery. I have complete confidence in Dr. Brassard, who by the way is a handsome guy despite his age, and his staff at both the hospital and recovery house. I have no doubts that Natasha will come out of this a healthy and whole person. No, I am worried about two things. First, I worry that Natasha will still not be happy. I worry that there is still something more that makes her sad and that healing from this procedure will allow her subconscious to push out yet another issue. Frankly, having to keep our house in order essentially on my own is wearing on me, and I don't know how much more I can stand. Again, it's not that Natasha is changing. It's that the change has occupied her for so very long that she has retreated somewhat from the other obligations in her life. I want her back, you know?
The other thing is that in the next few months, she should be ready and able to be sexually active. I worry that I will not find happiness there, or enough pleasure to have the ability to give her pleasure. This will not end our marriage if it happens, but I will be very sad because I am not ready for that part of my life to come to a close. No, I will not go outside of the marriage. I don't go for that. Neither would she. I think that I'm worrying about this more than I need to, but I can't help what goes on in my head. There is a lot riding on the next few months of her recovery. It's like I've been dreaming of a day when the sun will break through dark clouds and shine into our house and everybody will he happy and joyful... in slow motion. It's a cheesy image. I'm expecting a cure-all. I'm probably projecting a lot onto the sexual intimacy of our marriage when, in fact, there is so much more to intimacy than sex. That's what our friends reminded me about on Sunday when I broke down. Our friends know a lot more about sex than most people, due to their careers. What I realized because of them is that Natasha and I have not been intimate at all in about two years because of GID. Every time her male appendage would react to something, she'd get very upset. So, we didn't do anything. Anything. What I realized was that my worry about sex was my worry about intimacy. We don't ever have to have sex again, but we need to be intimate. I need to be able to be intimate with her and if I can't be, that will be painful.
I spent the last couple of days examining this issue. I concluded that I would not be able to be intimate with her as long as she was wearing makeup and had her wig on. Without these, she still looks enough like the person I married that the rest of her curves and bumps don't matter. She had moobs before, anyway, and those never bothered me. I told her this and she thought it was reasonable. I hate lipstick anyway. :-)
I'm having to remind myself about what I've said before, and that is to take every day as it comes. I've been projecting into the future again and that's what's gotten me so stressed.
So, I'm going to get dressed now and head across town to where my Woobie is preparing to get a new vagina. I'll write about that soon. It's actually quite funny, that surgery center. Anyway, I'm anxious for this all to be over and for us to be back home with our wonderful children, whom I miss terribly.
More to come...
I am accepting this storm as cleansing for me as well. These last few days have been difficult on many levels. For one thing, I'm alone in an unfamiliar place. Although I spent the majority of my adult life navigating big cities alone, I had no interest to do so again. But I am riding the subway and bus, finding my meals, lying in bed by myself. Thank goodness for Skype! It's not that I feel particularly stressed about the being alone part; it's that I'm essentially isolated during a time when I really wish I had someone to stop me from worrying about the last step in this transition.
Our very wonderful friends, who live in New Hampshire, drove us up here on Sunday. I broke down in front of Jack while Natasha was registering in the recovery house. I wasn't worried about the surgery. I have complete confidence in Dr. Brassard, who by the way is a handsome guy despite his age, and his staff at both the hospital and recovery house. I have no doubts that Natasha will come out of this a healthy and whole person. No, I am worried about two things. First, I worry that Natasha will still not be happy. I worry that there is still something more that makes her sad and that healing from this procedure will allow her subconscious to push out yet another issue. Frankly, having to keep our house in order essentially on my own is wearing on me, and I don't know how much more I can stand. Again, it's not that Natasha is changing. It's that the change has occupied her for so very long that she has retreated somewhat from the other obligations in her life. I want her back, you know?
The other thing is that in the next few months, she should be ready and able to be sexually active. I worry that I will not find happiness there, or enough pleasure to have the ability to give her pleasure. This will not end our marriage if it happens, but I will be very sad because I am not ready for that part of my life to come to a close. No, I will not go outside of the marriage. I don't go for that. Neither would she. I think that I'm worrying about this more than I need to, but I can't help what goes on in my head. There is a lot riding on the next few months of her recovery. It's like I've been dreaming of a day when the sun will break through dark clouds and shine into our house and everybody will he happy and joyful... in slow motion. It's a cheesy image. I'm expecting a cure-all. I'm probably projecting a lot onto the sexual intimacy of our marriage when, in fact, there is so much more to intimacy than sex. That's what our friends reminded me about on Sunday when I broke down. Our friends know a lot more about sex than most people, due to their careers. What I realized because of them is that Natasha and I have not been intimate at all in about two years because of GID. Every time her male appendage would react to something, she'd get very upset. So, we didn't do anything. Anything. What I realized was that my worry about sex was my worry about intimacy. We don't ever have to have sex again, but we need to be intimate. I need to be able to be intimate with her and if I can't be, that will be painful.
I spent the last couple of days examining this issue. I concluded that I would not be able to be intimate with her as long as she was wearing makeup and had her wig on. Without these, she still looks enough like the person I married that the rest of her curves and bumps don't matter. She had moobs before, anyway, and those never bothered me. I told her this and she thought it was reasonable. I hate lipstick anyway. :-)
I'm having to remind myself about what I've said before, and that is to take every day as it comes. I've been projecting into the future again and that's what's gotten me so stressed.
So, I'm going to get dressed now and head across town to where my Woobie is preparing to get a new vagina. I'll write about that soon. It's actually quite funny, that surgery center. Anyway, I'm anxious for this all to be over and for us to be back home with our wonderful children, whom I miss terribly.
More to come...
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
Unexpected Support
Yes, by the title of this post I'm sure many of you were thinking, "Did Natasha's father change his selfish ways?" The answer is no, but that's not surprising, right?
A couple of months ago, the president of the school I work for called everyone in individually to get to know us better. She actually already knew me a bit, considering that my father-in-law's one rather giving moment (with selfish motivation) to me was putting me in touch with her for a job a year and a half ago. So, upon sitting down, she asked how everyone was. I asked her if she knew about Natasha, which she didn't. I asked if she knew about Jonathan, and she said, "What about him? Is he okay?" I told her what was going on. I told her about the lack of support from Natasha's parents (all three of them). She set out on a quest to help us out.
I think I mentioned a while ago about the donation page I set up at my boss's request, but I haven't pushed it on anyone because, frankly, I don't know anyone with any money. But after these couple of months, my boss got angry.
I spoke with her briefly yesterday when she explained that many of her "friends" surprised her with a lack of interest in helping. This, you must know, is a woman who has never asked for help. She is not a rich woman, but she is successful and she cares deeply about many causes. But she's never asked for personal favors to help. For me, she did. For Natasha, she did. Because she did and did not get the responses she expected, she told me that she has reconsidered many of those friendships.
Yesterday, after this meeting, she sent out another email to her friends and many co-workers of mine. She made phone calls and she cashed in on many favors. For me. For Natasha. Suddenly, several people (some of whom I know) made small donations. Every little bit helps. She emailed me at work today telling me to expect more. Heck, even her husband made a separate donation!
I never expected this kind of generosity of spirit from my boss. I'd love to share her name, but it's not my call. Yes, my parents have agreed to loan us the money for the surgery, and that is generous in itself. But they know us. My boss, for all intents and purposes, does not. Never in my life have I been selflessly helped by a stranger. Never in my life have I been given unconditional kindness from a stranger. Sure, I know her a bit, but you know where I'm coming from.
I just wanted to share this information because my boss has reminded me that there are truly good people in the world and that good surprises can come from just about anywhere... except for my father-in-law. :-D
A couple of months ago, the president of the school I work for called everyone in individually to get to know us better. She actually already knew me a bit, considering that my father-in-law's one rather giving moment (with selfish motivation) to me was putting me in touch with her for a job a year and a half ago. So, upon sitting down, she asked how everyone was. I asked her if she knew about Natasha, which she didn't. I asked if she knew about Jonathan, and she said, "What about him? Is he okay?" I told her what was going on. I told her about the lack of support from Natasha's parents (all three of them). She set out on a quest to help us out.
I think I mentioned a while ago about the donation page I set up at my boss's request, but I haven't pushed it on anyone because, frankly, I don't know anyone with any money. But after these couple of months, my boss got angry.
I spoke with her briefly yesterday when she explained that many of her "friends" surprised her with a lack of interest in helping. This, you must know, is a woman who has never asked for help. She is not a rich woman, but she is successful and she cares deeply about many causes. But she's never asked for personal favors to help. For me, she did. For Natasha, she did. Because she did and did not get the responses she expected, she told me that she has reconsidered many of those friendships.
Yesterday, after this meeting, she sent out another email to her friends and many co-workers of mine. She made phone calls and she cashed in on many favors. For me. For Natasha. Suddenly, several people (some of whom I know) made small donations. Every little bit helps. She emailed me at work today telling me to expect more. Heck, even her husband made a separate donation!
I never expected this kind of generosity of spirit from my boss. I'd love to share her name, but it's not my call. Yes, my parents have agreed to loan us the money for the surgery, and that is generous in itself. But they know us. My boss, for all intents and purposes, does not. Never in my life have I been selflessly helped by a stranger. Never in my life have I been given unconditional kindness from a stranger. Sure, I know her a bit, but you know where I'm coming from.
I just wanted to share this information because my boss has reminded me that there are truly good people in the world and that good surprises can come from just about anywhere... except for my father-in-law. :-D
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