Monday, October 3, 2011

Today is the Only Day

We visited our best friends over the weekend. Two of them are like sisters to me and they happen to really be sisters to each other. Truly. I was talking to the older sister, who always seems to be learning some life lesson at about the same time as I, even if the conveyance of that lesson is different, and we got on the subject of taking life one day at a time.

My parents are planners. Generally, they plan as much as they can, but they do recognize that much of life is completely unscripted. My father "expects the worst but hopes for the best," and that was what I learned to do. But I realized in the last several months that living this way in terms of my relationship with Natasha was literally killing me.

I have spent so much of the last 2+ years looking into the future where Natasha and I won't be together for one of several reasons that I limited my own ability to see that today, in this moment, everything is great between us. Sure: when I write in this space I can step back and list the good things and the not-so-good things about what is happening as a result of her transition, but when I was just living my life and regarding her, I looked far off into the future... a future that might or might not happen.

Things might not go well between us in the future, but then, things might end up better than they were before she transitioned. I've mentioned several times her mental condition prior to seeking therapy. It was really, really bad. It was getting to the point where I was unsure if I could handle it. So, since so much of that bad is gone, our relationship... today... is pretty darned great. So why would I spoil today with thoughts of an uncertain tomorrow?

Life can be short. I'd prefer to live forever, but that might not happen. When it comes to the success of our relationship, I believe that much of how this all turns out will be determined by how I live today. If I focus on something horrible that might not even happen, how can I possibly fully appreciate what I have today?

Today, everything in my personal life is wonderful!

It's my financial life that sucks. :-)