Natasha got home a week ago Friday and she is slowly recovering. Life in our home is, also slowly, getting back to normal. Normal? I've been asked about that a few times. How can life get back to "normal"? You were married to a man and now you're married to a woman. How is that "normal" for you?
1. We're celebrating Father's Day today. True, the kids got their father a pair of earrings, but otherwise, we're going to my folks' house for hamburgers and hot dogs later, just like we've done every year. My spouse gets to eat a bunch of crap food today, just like every year. It's still Father's Day.
2. My spouse still snores and gets grumpy with lack of sleep.
3. My spouse still spends a lot of time on the computer in the designated "Sunny's spot" on the sofa, only it was called "Daddy's spot."
4. My spouse still complains about her weight, just like she did when she was a he.
5. My spouse still likes my cooking.
6, My spouse still thinks I'm the best writer ever (besides her, of course!).
7. We're going to celebrate our tenth anniversary at the place where we had our ceremony, and hopefully both our Bride's Maid and Best Man will be able to make it. Only this time we'll also have our two kids!
8. My dad still pushes my spouse's buttons.
9. Our kids are still two of the most well-adjusted kids on the planet (and we're not the only ones who think so).
10. Every night, our collie still gets on our bed and goes to my spouse for scratchies before we go to sleep.
I could go on, but you get the point.
Now, I know there are some of you out there who are saying, "That's all well and good, but what about sex?"
What about it? We're not doing that right now due to the recovering vagina issue. We haven't done that for a couple of years because of stress and, oh, I don't know... GD!
"Okay, but what about when everything's healed and stuff?"
Lemme put it to you this way...
11. We already had toys. :-D
Maybe I'm being optimistic. However, there's always number 12, which is:
12. I married my soul mate, whom I fell in love with before we had sex and will love forever if we never have it again.
So, Happy Father's Day to all you readers who have kids and were once sperm donors and are now proud parents. Whether or not you have a partner who can or will say it to you, may this Father's Day be as happy as the others simply because you are still who you were. :-)
Sunday, June 17, 2012
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
Rain on Me
It is just before six in the morning here in Montreal, Canada, where I sit alone in my hotel room across town from Natasha. She is probably asleep at the moment, obliviously sedated from the heavy thunderstorm that woke me about 45 minutes ago. It's a wonderful sound, the thunder. I can hear the rain tapping metal on the roof, too, and it reminds me that rain is cleansing. Unlike in Phoenix, where the accuracy of the weather reporters only extends to if it will be hot or hotter, the Vermont news guy two days ago said it would be storming in this area today and he was right. So, we knew it was coming and that it was coming on Natasha's surgery date. How appropriate, right?
I am accepting this storm as cleansing for me as well. These last few days have been difficult on many levels. For one thing, I'm alone in an unfamiliar place. Although I spent the majority of my adult life navigating big cities alone, I had no interest to do so again. But I am riding the subway and bus, finding my meals, lying in bed by myself. Thank goodness for Skype! It's not that I feel particularly stressed about the being alone part; it's that I'm essentially isolated during a time when I really wish I had someone to stop me from worrying about the last step in this transition.
Our very wonderful friends, who live in New Hampshire, drove us up here on Sunday. I broke down in front of Jack while Natasha was registering in the recovery house. I wasn't worried about the surgery. I have complete confidence in Dr. Brassard, who by the way is a handsome guy despite his age, and his staff at both the hospital and recovery house. I have no doubts that Natasha will come out of this a healthy and whole person. No, I am worried about two things. First, I worry that Natasha will still not be happy. I worry that there is still something more that makes her sad and that healing from this procedure will allow her subconscious to push out yet another issue. Frankly, having to keep our house in order essentially on my own is wearing on me, and I don't know how much more I can stand. Again, it's not that Natasha is changing. It's that the change has occupied her for so very long that she has retreated somewhat from the other obligations in her life. I want her back, you know?
The other thing is that in the next few months, she should be ready and able to be sexually active. I worry that I will not find happiness there, or enough pleasure to have the ability to give her pleasure. This will not end our marriage if it happens, but I will be very sad because I am not ready for that part of my life to come to a close. No, I will not go outside of the marriage. I don't go for that. Neither would she. I think that I'm worrying about this more than I need to, but I can't help what goes on in my head. There is a lot riding on the next few months of her recovery. It's like I've been dreaming of a day when the sun will break through dark clouds and shine into our house and everybody will he happy and joyful... in slow motion. It's a cheesy image. I'm expecting a cure-all. I'm probably projecting a lot onto the sexual intimacy of our marriage when, in fact, there is so much more to intimacy than sex. That's what our friends reminded me about on Sunday when I broke down. Our friends know a lot more about sex than most people, due to their careers. What I realized because of them is that Natasha and I have not been intimate at all in about two years because of GID. Every time her male appendage would react to something, she'd get very upset. So, we didn't do anything. Anything. What I realized was that my worry about sex was my worry about intimacy. We don't ever have to have sex again, but we need to be intimate. I need to be able to be intimate with her and if I can't be, that will be painful.
I spent the last couple of days examining this issue. I concluded that I would not be able to be intimate with her as long as she was wearing makeup and had her wig on. Without these, she still looks enough like the person I married that the rest of her curves and bumps don't matter. She had moobs before, anyway, and those never bothered me. I told her this and she thought it was reasonable. I hate lipstick anyway. :-)
I'm having to remind myself about what I've said before, and that is to take every day as it comes. I've been projecting into the future again and that's what's gotten me so stressed.
So, I'm going to get dressed now and head across town to where my Woobie is preparing to get a new vagina. I'll write about that soon. It's actually quite funny, that surgery center. Anyway, I'm anxious for this all to be over and for us to be back home with our wonderful children, whom I miss terribly.
More to come...
I am accepting this storm as cleansing for me as well. These last few days have been difficult on many levels. For one thing, I'm alone in an unfamiliar place. Although I spent the majority of my adult life navigating big cities alone, I had no interest to do so again. But I am riding the subway and bus, finding my meals, lying in bed by myself. Thank goodness for Skype! It's not that I feel particularly stressed about the being alone part; it's that I'm essentially isolated during a time when I really wish I had someone to stop me from worrying about the last step in this transition.
Our very wonderful friends, who live in New Hampshire, drove us up here on Sunday. I broke down in front of Jack while Natasha was registering in the recovery house. I wasn't worried about the surgery. I have complete confidence in Dr. Brassard, who by the way is a handsome guy despite his age, and his staff at both the hospital and recovery house. I have no doubts that Natasha will come out of this a healthy and whole person. No, I am worried about two things. First, I worry that Natasha will still not be happy. I worry that there is still something more that makes her sad and that healing from this procedure will allow her subconscious to push out yet another issue. Frankly, having to keep our house in order essentially on my own is wearing on me, and I don't know how much more I can stand. Again, it's not that Natasha is changing. It's that the change has occupied her for so very long that she has retreated somewhat from the other obligations in her life. I want her back, you know?
The other thing is that in the next few months, she should be ready and able to be sexually active. I worry that I will not find happiness there, or enough pleasure to have the ability to give her pleasure. This will not end our marriage if it happens, but I will be very sad because I am not ready for that part of my life to come to a close. No, I will not go outside of the marriage. I don't go for that. Neither would she. I think that I'm worrying about this more than I need to, but I can't help what goes on in my head. There is a lot riding on the next few months of her recovery. It's like I've been dreaming of a day when the sun will break through dark clouds and shine into our house and everybody will he happy and joyful... in slow motion. It's a cheesy image. I'm expecting a cure-all. I'm probably projecting a lot onto the sexual intimacy of our marriage when, in fact, there is so much more to intimacy than sex. That's what our friends reminded me about on Sunday when I broke down. Our friends know a lot more about sex than most people, due to their careers. What I realized because of them is that Natasha and I have not been intimate at all in about two years because of GID. Every time her male appendage would react to something, she'd get very upset. So, we didn't do anything. Anything. What I realized was that my worry about sex was my worry about intimacy. We don't ever have to have sex again, but we need to be intimate. I need to be able to be intimate with her and if I can't be, that will be painful.
I spent the last couple of days examining this issue. I concluded that I would not be able to be intimate with her as long as she was wearing makeup and had her wig on. Without these, she still looks enough like the person I married that the rest of her curves and bumps don't matter. She had moobs before, anyway, and those never bothered me. I told her this and she thought it was reasonable. I hate lipstick anyway. :-)
I'm having to remind myself about what I've said before, and that is to take every day as it comes. I've been projecting into the future again and that's what's gotten me so stressed.
So, I'm going to get dressed now and head across town to where my Woobie is preparing to get a new vagina. I'll write about that soon. It's actually quite funny, that surgery center. Anyway, I'm anxious for this all to be over and for us to be back home with our wonderful children, whom I miss terribly.
More to come...
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
Unexpected Support
Yes, by the title of this post I'm sure many of you were thinking, "Did Natasha's father change his selfish ways?" The answer is no, but that's not surprising, right?
A couple of months ago, the president of the school I work for called everyone in individually to get to know us better. She actually already knew me a bit, considering that my father-in-law's one rather giving moment (with selfish motivation) to me was putting me in touch with her for a job a year and a half ago. So, upon sitting down, she asked how everyone was. I asked her if she knew about Natasha, which she didn't. I asked if she knew about Jonathan, and she said, "What about him? Is he okay?" I told her what was going on. I told her about the lack of support from Natasha's parents (all three of them). She set out on a quest to help us out.
I think I mentioned a while ago about the donation page I set up at my boss's request, but I haven't pushed it on anyone because, frankly, I don't know anyone with any money. But after these couple of months, my boss got angry.
I spoke with her briefly yesterday when she explained that many of her "friends" surprised her with a lack of interest in helping. This, you must know, is a woman who has never asked for help. She is not a rich woman, but she is successful and she cares deeply about many causes. But she's never asked for personal favors to help. For me, she did. For Natasha, she did. Because she did and did not get the responses she expected, she told me that she has reconsidered many of those friendships.
Yesterday, after this meeting, she sent out another email to her friends and many co-workers of mine. She made phone calls and she cashed in on many favors. For me. For Natasha. Suddenly, several people (some of whom I know) made small donations. Every little bit helps. She emailed me at work today telling me to expect more. Heck, even her husband made a separate donation!
I never expected this kind of generosity of spirit from my boss. I'd love to share her name, but it's not my call. Yes, my parents have agreed to loan us the money for the surgery, and that is generous in itself. But they know us. My boss, for all intents and purposes, does not. Never in my life have I been selflessly helped by a stranger. Never in my life have I been given unconditional kindness from a stranger. Sure, I know her a bit, but you know where I'm coming from.
I just wanted to share this information because my boss has reminded me that there are truly good people in the world and that good surprises can come from just about anywhere... except for my father-in-law. :-D
A couple of months ago, the president of the school I work for called everyone in individually to get to know us better. She actually already knew me a bit, considering that my father-in-law's one rather giving moment (with selfish motivation) to me was putting me in touch with her for a job a year and a half ago. So, upon sitting down, she asked how everyone was. I asked her if she knew about Natasha, which she didn't. I asked if she knew about Jonathan, and she said, "What about him? Is he okay?" I told her what was going on. I told her about the lack of support from Natasha's parents (all three of them). She set out on a quest to help us out.
I think I mentioned a while ago about the donation page I set up at my boss's request, but I haven't pushed it on anyone because, frankly, I don't know anyone with any money. But after these couple of months, my boss got angry.
I spoke with her briefly yesterday when she explained that many of her "friends" surprised her with a lack of interest in helping. This, you must know, is a woman who has never asked for help. She is not a rich woman, but she is successful and she cares deeply about many causes. But she's never asked for personal favors to help. For me, she did. For Natasha, she did. Because she did and did not get the responses she expected, she told me that she has reconsidered many of those friendships.
Yesterday, after this meeting, she sent out another email to her friends and many co-workers of mine. She made phone calls and she cashed in on many favors. For me. For Natasha. Suddenly, several people (some of whom I know) made small donations. Every little bit helps. She emailed me at work today telling me to expect more. Heck, even her husband made a separate donation!
I never expected this kind of generosity of spirit from my boss. I'd love to share her name, but it's not my call. Yes, my parents have agreed to loan us the money for the surgery, and that is generous in itself. But they know us. My boss, for all intents and purposes, does not. Never in my life have I been selflessly helped by a stranger. Never in my life have I been given unconditional kindness from a stranger. Sure, I know her a bit, but you know where I'm coming from.
I just wanted to share this information because my boss has reminded me that there are truly good people in the world and that good surprises can come from just about anywhere... except for my father-in-law. :-D
Friday, March 30, 2012
On Second Thought...
I'm not sure what's happening to me, but I've been having the strangest feeling in my gut about my involvement in the TS community as a spouse. I mentioned in my previous post that Tasha and I will be writing a memoir about her transition.
I'm having second thoughts.
A friend of ours wrote a beautiful note on FB about her appreciation for her spouse remaining by her side. It got me thinking back on several occasions when Tasha expressed gratitude to me for not abandoning her and for letting her pursue her cure. A thought hit me that felt very... smug... which made me then feel a bit uncomfortable, as I don't generally feel smug about anything (except how smart my kids are :-D). I didn't really feel smug, but the thought sounded like a smug thought, you know? I thought, "The reason Tasha is having an `easier' transition than most married TS folk is because of me."
That's the honest truth, and married TS folk who are having an easier time of it will say the same thing: if her spouse were not allowing this to happen and/or making a stink about it, her situation would be immensely bad. In fact, I think that most TS folk whose spouse did not stay will say the same thing. The wife (or husband) made the situation either better or worse than they already were... given the circumstances, that is.
Sounds smug to me. Unfortunately, it's true. Looking back over the last two plus years, I could finally see clearly that it was, in fact, that I "gave her permission" to transition. I remember when I wrote that here that somebody got all bothered by this concept, but too bad. That's the position Tasha put me in. She said that she would not do ANYTHING without my permission to do so. Had I not agreed to go along, she would have remained a man... and miserable. Boy, wonderful for the kids, right? Drugged into happiness? Not any better. What kind of a life is that? She had no death wish, so that would have been out of the question. Sorry folks, but Tasha's happiness solely rested on my shoulders and THAT was what was killing me. I didn't want her to transition. No way! But look at my choices. Similar to the choices of any TS... to transition or not to transition... what a lousy question! I had but one decision because I loved her. And thus, I was miserable.
Poor me, right? Yes, and no. I made the decision to let her go ahead with it, not her. My decision, my bed to lie in. I don't regret it. It was the RIGHT decision.
Some people might say that Tasha put the ball in my court to take the blame off of herself. I don't see it that way. If she did not let me make the decisions, then she would have been acting selfishly. Sure, she might have decided on her own not to transition, but she would have decided for all of us to have a husband and father who was immensely miserable, not real and medicated. Again, good for the kids? Good for me? Nope. It is my opinion that those who made this statement above are people who have possibly never really experienced being married to their best friend: true partners. She told me what she wanted to do and then deferred to me to make final decisions.
So what am I getting at?
This feeling I've been having is something like anger. Whenever I hear about a wife who has left because of the TS situation, I get angry. What the hell? I start thinking, "What was it about your marriage that was screwed up before this that you never tried to fix and are now using this new event as a last straw?" What wife (or husband) who TRULY loves her husband would leave because of this? "Oh, I'm sorry dear, but I really love you beyond all measure... except that you're not going to have a penis anymore and, you know, that's more important to my happiness." Dude! Really?
I feel like there needs to be a voice in this community... a loud one... who is talking to the wives. I don't think a lot of wives really think this through enough, or they don't know where to start or how to start thinking through it. There is limited support for us. We can't turn to our husbands for support. Most of the world doesn't really even GET what TS is so information is often dodgy. It's up to us to help our spouses through this, and yes, we have to be strong. Most of us are not bisexual or closet lesbians (sad, I know, right?). Are there therapists out there who are experts in dealing with the spouse's side of transition? I haven't seen one. I think it's a shame that so many marriages end because of this. I have no sympathy for spouses who leave because of this (unless there is deliberate deceit involved) and I think that there needs to be someone who's been there and done that do get up and say, "You'd better not walk out that door until you know FOR SURE that's the right decision, or you'll be damaging more lives than you realize and it will be too late. And don't be stupid!"
I'm angry.
So, instead of writing the memoir, I'm going to write a book for the spouses. Maybe a guide. Something strictly for spouses of TS folk: not for cross-dressing. No offense, but it's different.
I could have said that and just left the rest out, but I had to vent. Thanks for reading, even if you disagree. :-D
I'm having second thoughts.
A friend of ours wrote a beautiful note on FB about her appreciation for her spouse remaining by her side. It got me thinking back on several occasions when Tasha expressed gratitude to me for not abandoning her and for letting her pursue her cure. A thought hit me that felt very... smug... which made me then feel a bit uncomfortable, as I don't generally feel smug about anything (except how smart my kids are :-D). I didn't really feel smug, but the thought sounded like a smug thought, you know? I thought, "The reason Tasha is having an `easier' transition than most married TS folk is because of me."
That's the honest truth, and married TS folk who are having an easier time of it will say the same thing: if her spouse were not allowing this to happen and/or making a stink about it, her situation would be immensely bad. In fact, I think that most TS folk whose spouse did not stay will say the same thing. The wife (or husband) made the situation either better or worse than they already were... given the circumstances, that is.
Sounds smug to me. Unfortunately, it's true. Looking back over the last two plus years, I could finally see clearly that it was, in fact, that I "gave her permission" to transition. I remember when I wrote that here that somebody got all bothered by this concept, but too bad. That's the position Tasha put me in. She said that she would not do ANYTHING without my permission to do so. Had I not agreed to go along, she would have remained a man... and miserable. Boy, wonderful for the kids, right? Drugged into happiness? Not any better. What kind of a life is that? She had no death wish, so that would have been out of the question. Sorry folks, but Tasha's happiness solely rested on my shoulders and THAT was what was killing me. I didn't want her to transition. No way! But look at my choices. Similar to the choices of any TS... to transition or not to transition... what a lousy question! I had but one decision because I loved her. And thus, I was miserable.
Poor me, right? Yes, and no. I made the decision to let her go ahead with it, not her. My decision, my bed to lie in. I don't regret it. It was the RIGHT decision.
Some people might say that Tasha put the ball in my court to take the blame off of herself. I don't see it that way. If she did not let me make the decisions, then she would have been acting selfishly. Sure, she might have decided on her own not to transition, but she would have decided for all of us to have a husband and father who was immensely miserable, not real and medicated. Again, good for the kids? Good for me? Nope. It is my opinion that those who made this statement above are people who have possibly never really experienced being married to their best friend: true partners. She told me what she wanted to do and then deferred to me to make final decisions.
So what am I getting at?
This feeling I've been having is something like anger. Whenever I hear about a wife who has left because of the TS situation, I get angry. What the hell? I start thinking, "What was it about your marriage that was screwed up before this that you never tried to fix and are now using this new event as a last straw?" What wife (or husband) who TRULY loves her husband would leave because of this? "Oh, I'm sorry dear, but I really love you beyond all measure... except that you're not going to have a penis anymore and, you know, that's more important to my happiness." Dude! Really?
I feel like there needs to be a voice in this community... a loud one... who is talking to the wives. I don't think a lot of wives really think this through enough, or they don't know where to start or how to start thinking through it. There is limited support for us. We can't turn to our husbands for support. Most of the world doesn't really even GET what TS is so information is often dodgy. It's up to us to help our spouses through this, and yes, we have to be strong. Most of us are not bisexual or closet lesbians (sad, I know, right?). Are there therapists out there who are experts in dealing with the spouse's side of transition? I haven't seen one. I think it's a shame that so many marriages end because of this. I have no sympathy for spouses who leave because of this (unless there is deliberate deceit involved) and I think that there needs to be someone who's been there and done that do get up and say, "You'd better not walk out that door until you know FOR SURE that's the right decision, or you'll be damaging more lives than you realize and it will be too late. And don't be stupid!"
I'm angry.
So, instead of writing the memoir, I'm going to write a book for the spouses. Maybe a guide. Something strictly for spouses of TS folk: not for cross-dressing. No offense, but it's different.
I could have said that and just left the rest out, but I had to vent. Thanks for reading, even if you disagree. :-D
Thursday, March 29, 2012
In the News
Natasha and I decided several months ago that we would write a dual memoir about her transition. We thought it would be helpful to both TS and partners of TS. We plan to start it in the next couple of months, after I finish a screenplay I will enter into the Nichol Fellowship competition. It's also generally about a couple who are dealing with transition. Who knows...
About two weeks ago, I was contacted via email by a PA on the Dr. Oz show. They wanted to do an episode about MTFs and their wives. I must have spent an hour or so with the PA, and I explained a lot about the condition that she was not aware of. I also warned her about the pitfalls of sensationalizing it... like showing before and after photos. She also spoke with Natasha and both of us refused to have our kids on the show. Lo and behold, today the episode aired. It was sensationalized... complete with TS folk to offer up their before and after pictures and older children who were willing to express their shock and dismay.
I'm a bit frustrated with this community. On the one hand, nobody wants to feel like a freak. They don't want to be stared at. They don't want to be mistaken for the wrong gender. Yet, some sell-outs got themselves some spotlight time at the expense of those same fears. You know what people who watched that show will see if they see those TS folk on the street? The BEFORE picture. Plus, now the spouses have a permanent reminder of the sensationalist view of their marriage. I don't have much hope for those couples. Some, but not much.
So then, as a member of a tiny, closed FB group, someone posted this article: "Thematic Analysis of the Experiences of Wives Who Stay with Husbands who Transition Male-to-Female." Fantastic review of a study about this, based on a previously written book about it. Generally, I found that I could identify with what the wives in the study/book revealed, but not everything. It's a bit dry, I warn you, as it is a scholarly paper, but it's worth the read for both parties. It proves that this difficult and tumultuous road can be survived, and that a smoother road can be found ahead... provided that the wife truly, utterly loves the husband for "his/her" person.
Did Dr. Oz present that?... What do you think?
Is that important?...
It is to TS folk who are in relationships they do not want to end. That's not what the Oz show was about, though. He missed the mark... a quite dramatic mark, if I may say. He would have had his ratings, much like Oprah might have had if she had handled it... maybe... but not with sensationalist perspectives. Those TS folk who were on the show... well, I hope it was the editing that did the most damage. But they were the ones who offered up those photos: items that should be kept for one's own memories and not for prying eyes. So was it the spotlight that got them there? Were the spouses thinking clearly before deciding to tag along? Was it about love? Information? Support?
Not from my perspective.
Read the article. It's great!
About two weeks ago, I was contacted via email by a PA on the Dr. Oz show. They wanted to do an episode about MTFs and their wives. I must have spent an hour or so with the PA, and I explained a lot about the condition that she was not aware of. I also warned her about the pitfalls of sensationalizing it... like showing before and after photos. She also spoke with Natasha and both of us refused to have our kids on the show. Lo and behold, today the episode aired. It was sensationalized... complete with TS folk to offer up their before and after pictures and older children who were willing to express their shock and dismay.
I'm a bit frustrated with this community. On the one hand, nobody wants to feel like a freak. They don't want to be stared at. They don't want to be mistaken for the wrong gender. Yet, some sell-outs got themselves some spotlight time at the expense of those same fears. You know what people who watched that show will see if they see those TS folk on the street? The BEFORE picture. Plus, now the spouses have a permanent reminder of the sensationalist view of their marriage. I don't have much hope for those couples. Some, but not much.
So then, as a member of a tiny, closed FB group, someone posted this article: "Thematic Analysis of the Experiences of Wives Who Stay with Husbands who Transition Male-to-Female." Fantastic review of a study about this, based on a previously written book about it. Generally, I found that I could identify with what the wives in the study/book revealed, but not everything. It's a bit dry, I warn you, as it is a scholarly paper, but it's worth the read for both parties. It proves that this difficult and tumultuous road can be survived, and that a smoother road can be found ahead... provided that the wife truly, utterly loves the husband for "his/her" person.
Did Dr. Oz present that?... What do you think?
Is that important?...
It is to TS folk who are in relationships they do not want to end. That's not what the Oz show was about, though. He missed the mark... a quite dramatic mark, if I may say. He would have had his ratings, much like Oprah might have had if she had handled it... maybe... but not with sensationalist perspectives. Those TS folk who were on the show... well, I hope it was the editing that did the most damage. But they were the ones who offered up those photos: items that should be kept for one's own memories and not for prying eyes. So was it the spotlight that got them there? Were the spouses thinking clearly before deciding to tag along? Was it about love? Information? Support?
Not from my perspective.
Read the article. It's great!
Friday, February 24, 2012
The Changing of the Guards
Yesterday, Natasha received her SRS packet. It's official... assuming we can get all of the money together... she will become a full female in about three months.
I feel mixed about this because she feels mixed about it. On the one hand, having SRS will finally make her body and mind synchronize. On the other hand, she never wanted to be a female.
It is a time such as this when people who think that being Transsexual is "just a phase" or "some kind of sexual turn-on," or some other nonsensical uninformed claim about it. It is a time such as this when spouses should be able to see clearly the pain that this medical condition causes the recipient, if that is ever in question. To think that one could be "cured" by electrodes and hypnotherapy and whatever other wacko things they do at those re-orientation camps just has his or her head up their (mainly religiously fanatic) butts!
Imagine, my non-TS readers, a day when you wake up and you realize that the body you've had all your life really belongs to someone else and you have to give it up. Well, you don't HAVE to, but if you don't, your consciousness will have to take a back seat to the real owner. none of your friends or family will know it's happened. You will be able to hear yourself scream, hear yourself want to reach out to someone to tell him or her that you're still there, but you won't be able to. Rather than give up the body you know and love, you choose to live the rest of your life in the quiet backstage, as much as it kills you to do so (and you couldn't actually kill yourself if you wanted to because you had no control over your body and you couldn't just leave once you committed to staying) But then, one day, a doctor comes to see you... YOU! He looks into the eyes of your former body and says, "I can get you out and put you into a new body. Nobody else is in it and it's a lot like your own, but different. Your friends and family will know it's you. What do you say?
This isn't the same as what a TS goes through, but asking a non-TS to imagine what it might be like to realize that you feel like your own body is the wrong one is near impossible. The resulting mixed feelings, I think, are similar, though, in my scenario. To stay and suffer in silence or to move and learn a new happiness. What a horrible decision to have to make!
I wish so much that I had some kind of magic that would alter Tasha's mind to one that is happy being male. That would solve so many problems for all of us (except the remaining boobs. We'd have to deal with those). But I can't and so her only cure is SRS. I am happy for her that it is coming soon, but I feel her pain that she is finally saying good-bye to that part of her that made children with me, that asked me to marry him, that is Daddy, Husband, Father. She doesn't mind when she is called these things. I can see why.
For her, I hope these next few months go quickly and that we make this thing happen. We all need to move on to the next phase.
I feel mixed about this because she feels mixed about it. On the one hand, having SRS will finally make her body and mind synchronize. On the other hand, she never wanted to be a female.
It is a time such as this when people who think that being Transsexual is "just a phase" or "some kind of sexual turn-on," or some other nonsensical uninformed claim about it. It is a time such as this when spouses should be able to see clearly the pain that this medical condition causes the recipient, if that is ever in question. To think that one could be "cured" by electrodes and hypnotherapy and whatever other wacko things they do at those re-orientation camps just has his or her head up their (mainly religiously fanatic) butts!
Imagine, my non-TS readers, a day when you wake up and you realize that the body you've had all your life really belongs to someone else and you have to give it up. Well, you don't HAVE to, but if you don't, your consciousness will have to take a back seat to the real owner. none of your friends or family will know it's happened. You will be able to hear yourself scream, hear yourself want to reach out to someone to tell him or her that you're still there, but you won't be able to. Rather than give up the body you know and love, you choose to live the rest of your life in the quiet backstage, as much as it kills you to do so (and you couldn't actually kill yourself if you wanted to because you had no control over your body and you couldn't just leave once you committed to staying) But then, one day, a doctor comes to see you... YOU! He looks into the eyes of your former body and says, "I can get you out and put you into a new body. Nobody else is in it and it's a lot like your own, but different. Your friends and family will know it's you. What do you say?
This isn't the same as what a TS goes through, but asking a non-TS to imagine what it might be like to realize that you feel like your own body is the wrong one is near impossible. The resulting mixed feelings, I think, are similar, though, in my scenario. To stay and suffer in silence or to move and learn a new happiness. What a horrible decision to have to make!
I wish so much that I had some kind of magic that would alter Tasha's mind to one that is happy being male. That would solve so many problems for all of us (except the remaining boobs. We'd have to deal with those). But I can't and so her only cure is SRS. I am happy for her that it is coming soon, but I feel her pain that she is finally saying good-bye to that part of her that made children with me, that asked me to marry him, that is Daddy, Husband, Father. She doesn't mind when she is called these things. I can see why.
For her, I hope these next few months go quickly and that we make this thing happen. We all need to move on to the next phase.
Sunday, January 15, 2012
Shameless Plugs and Interesting Debates
Okay, everyone. I'm not used to asking for help, nor do I ever expect anyone to actually respond when I do, but as it is only somewhat for me and very much for Natasha and for my children, I am herein posting a link to a donation page on which I am trying to raise money for Natasha's surgery this summer (well, late spring). Here's the link.
Interestingly, there are a few conversations going on, both on the donation site and on Facebook, about whether it is best to plan a surgery that will otherwise put us further into debt or to wait until we have the money saved up. As I mentioned on the donation page, I see this surgery as necessary as much for Natasha's mental well-being as it is for the mental well-being of our children and myself. I would much rather continue to deal with financial stresses - that I already have - than to continue dealing with Natasha's frequent depressing and unpredictable mood swings. Yes, she's got other emotional issues (read bad parents), but you all know that when you pile that stuff onto GID, it's just that much worse. Eliminating one major source of depression certainly helps.
I think that the debate over when to have surgery vs risk to financial security is not an uncommon one in this community. I suspect that when couples have stayed together long enough for this subject to even come up, this is a point of contention and yet another stumbling block for the relationship. Perhaps a year ago, when I thought about Natasha having SRS, I would think about our financial situation first. We've never been solidly in the black in spite of having two good jobs between us, but we've always managed to get the necessary bills paid, the kids and pets fed, and the cars in good working order. So the thought of going further into debt for something that, at the time, I felt was not entirely necessary made me feel a bit like Natasha was being selfish. I'm sure this happens a lot. But here's the thing: if I had said, "No way. We need to save every penny for an emergency fund first and then we would consider the surgery," she would have accepted it. And what would have happened? Much like any point where a TS is asked to choose between keeping the family and following the gut, there would have been far more depression and silent suffering. Plus, there has never been a point where an emergency would have taken a back seat to raising money for her surgery. Neither of us are stupid. Both of us put our children first.
Making the decision to go into debt for her SRS, to me, was like deciding that there is no good financial time to have kids. Really. Nobody WANTS to struggle to support a family, but if everybody waited until they were wealthy enough to handle the expenses of babies, toddlers, kids, the population would be extremely small. You have kids, hopefully, when you have the health and energy to keep up with them, when you are young enough to expect to be around when they get married and don't need you anymore (but choose to need you anyway), when you have the love in your heart to want to put someone else before you. We probably won't be able to afford to have kids until the kids are out of college. So it is with SRS. The need arises and you wait as long as you can, but a point in time comes, as a partner at least, when you can't stand to see your partner suffer anymore and you are willing to scrounge and scramble a little more every month for a few years.
Or, you ask for help. :-D
Interestingly, there are a few conversations going on, both on the donation site and on Facebook, about whether it is best to plan a surgery that will otherwise put us further into debt or to wait until we have the money saved up. As I mentioned on the donation page, I see this surgery as necessary as much for Natasha's mental well-being as it is for the mental well-being of our children and myself. I would much rather continue to deal with financial stresses - that I already have - than to continue dealing with Natasha's frequent depressing and unpredictable mood swings. Yes, she's got other emotional issues (read bad parents), but you all know that when you pile that stuff onto GID, it's just that much worse. Eliminating one major source of depression certainly helps.
I think that the debate over when to have surgery vs risk to financial security is not an uncommon one in this community. I suspect that when couples have stayed together long enough for this subject to even come up, this is a point of contention and yet another stumbling block for the relationship. Perhaps a year ago, when I thought about Natasha having SRS, I would think about our financial situation first. We've never been solidly in the black in spite of having two good jobs between us, but we've always managed to get the necessary bills paid, the kids and pets fed, and the cars in good working order. So the thought of going further into debt for something that, at the time, I felt was not entirely necessary made me feel a bit like Natasha was being selfish. I'm sure this happens a lot. But here's the thing: if I had said, "No way. We need to save every penny for an emergency fund first and then we would consider the surgery," she would have accepted it. And what would have happened? Much like any point where a TS is asked to choose between keeping the family and following the gut, there would have been far more depression and silent suffering. Plus, there has never been a point where an emergency would have taken a back seat to raising money for her surgery. Neither of us are stupid. Both of us put our children first.
Making the decision to go into debt for her SRS, to me, was like deciding that there is no good financial time to have kids. Really. Nobody WANTS to struggle to support a family, but if everybody waited until they were wealthy enough to handle the expenses of babies, toddlers, kids, the population would be extremely small. You have kids, hopefully, when you have the health and energy to keep up with them, when you are young enough to expect to be around when they get married and don't need you anymore (but choose to need you anyway), when you have the love in your heart to want to put someone else before you. We probably won't be able to afford to have kids until the kids are out of college. So it is with SRS. The need arises and you wait as long as you can, but a point in time comes, as a partner at least, when you can't stand to see your partner suffer anymore and you are willing to scrounge and scramble a little more every month for a few years.
Or, you ask for help. :-D
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