Tuesday, April 26, 2011

"Liberal" or "Non-Judgmental"?

More than you know, I so very much appreciate that so many people - here and in person - have said to me how proud they are of me or how "brave" I am to be going through Tasha's transition with her. They remark how open or liberal I am to recognize my sexual orientation yet remain willing to at least try to be intimate with another woman for the sake of our marriage. It's not about our marriage really, but rather our relationship. I've said numerous times now that sex isn't so important in our relationship. I have a feeling that Tasha will eventually want to do something, though, and I will do my best to enjoy whatever it is. That's because she is my best friend and soul mate (sorry, B! I love you, too!).

We ask ourselves, "What are we willing to do, give up, sacrifice for someone else?" We do it all the time. I'd like to meet the couple who insist that their relationship is perfect and neither had to make any changes in their lives at any point in their relationship in order to make things work better. I have a character in the book series I've started. Her name is... CASEY!... The series is about the "secret" history of the Irish Faery race and Casey is the narrator. Basically, she meets a human and they fall in love, but in the first book they are separated in such a way that they can be very close but never touch. How horrible is that?! The series spans over 3000 years, so you might wonder what Casey will do in order to reunite with her one true love.

If you're interested, by the way, you can learn more about Tir Na n'Og: Journal One and buy it here. Okay, I'm done with the advertising. :-)

What AM I being? I can't really tell you. I don't feel "brave" or anything like that. I think it's just that I don't think I have a choice. Really. I know many of you are going to comment on that. You'll say, "You DO have a choice. If you don't want to be there, get out." But that is not an option for me. Trust me: I have no religious testament telling me that I can't get divorced. It's not about that at all. The reason that I don't feel that I have a choice is because when I have thought about leaving, the idea of being in the world without my Bubbow with me makes my heart break. I feel sick to my stomach. It's not that I'm being liberal or non-judgmental about this situation; it's that shit happens to us all and we either deal with them or we run away... at least that's how I work. The shoe falls and I deal with the damage. But in no way is leaving the mess behind a part of "dealing." I chose to be with Tasha as a male and because her becoming a female on the outside does not shatter my concept of our marriage, it is "damage" that I deal with.

What happens if your spouse, who is "normal", gets into an accident that renders him or her a quadriplegic? You can't have sex anymore. Do you leave? Lots of people do, but partly because coping with that kind of situation is very stressful and your life is altered forever... wait! That sounds familiar!

Look: I'm not trying to be harsh on anyone reading this who did leave or whose spouse left. I'm trying to explain how I view my situation. I just don't leave because there's a problem, and the fact is that if not for the TS, our marriage would be as perfect as anyone could ask for (except for Tasha's non-gender related quirks! :-D).

Besides, I'm very judgmental. Part of the reason why I have not given up is because of how I view people who give up (and again, I'm NOT saying that the relationships that ended did so because someone GAVE UP). Part of the reason why I will not leave because of an uncertainty about the future is because of how I view people who do. For goodness' sake: nothing about the future is certain!

I may be "liberal" because I don't have moral hangups about sexuality or gender identity. "Non-Judgmental"? I'd like to say that I'm not, but it wouldn't be true. "Brave"? I might be brave, but not because of this. I might be brave if you think of life the way my father does. He told me not too long ago that if all of the crap that's happened to me over the years had happened to him, he'd probably have killed himself long ago. People around me are worried that I'm going to have a nervous breakdown soon (not just because of Tasha. I've got a LOT going on). So in that respect, perhaps brave is an okay word. Yet, again I return to my idea of the Other Shoe. I know it's up there. Other shoes have dropped on my many times. I just get up and keep moving forward. It's what I always do. I have no choice.


Anonymous said...

Just wanted to say how much I enjoy your writing. I have struggled with Crossdressing all my life but it has only been through the love of my wife that I am still here. I have a blog as well and once commented on the subject of your posting "Blood"
I hope my comment is well received.

Casey said...

Thank you very much! I wish I had the energy to write more often :-)

I did read your comment and it was "well received." I welcome all comments here. I've been told many tines that I am a fearless writer, often discussing things that most others won't. I expect my readers to comment with the same honesty.

I read some of your posts. If you are transsexual, as you seem to indicate, then I an sad for you that you can not or will not transition. If you have, however, found a way to be truly happy as a crossdresser, then I am happy for you. I can not imagine how difficult it must be at tines to know that you can only live in the "illusion" of femininity if your mind and spirit want to experience the reality. Tasha tried but in the end could not.

You are a very eloquent writer. I wish you all the happiness in the world. :-D I will continue to read on!