Sunday, July 17, 2011

To Everything There is a Season

First of all, to everyone who has commented lately and offered their personal experiences and opinions, thank you. I am happy to know that there have been successful relationships at the end of this tunnel. I am relieved that neither Tasha nor I am alone in our struggles.

Unfortunately, knowing that we're not alone doesn't make any of this easier.

Tasha got the good word this past week that she has a surgery date, and it's less than a year away. I was very happy for the both of us. This involuntary journey now has an end.

I thought that having a date would make things easier for both of us. Tasha was elated the day she found out and put an app on her phone to remind her of how many days are left. Yet, she's now had two of "those" days in a row. "Those" days of unplaced sadness. "Those" days of edginess. "Those" days where the kids can't do much right. It's entirely frustrating for me because I also can't do anything to cheer her up. She says I make her feel better, but what does it matter when "better" isn't much from my perspective?

There are a LOT of things going on now. She's going back to school in a couple of weeks and so must be Mr. for 180 days. We have cut back severely on our spending because we just don't have anything to spend. We are frustrated at the slow start of our cookie business. We are both finally facing our emotional relationship with food head-on. For her, health is a major issue at this point because of the deadline of her surgery. Both of us have struggled with weight for our whole lives and lately, lethargy has been winning.

I started taking St. John's Wart a short while ago. I finally admitted to myself that I am somewhat depressed. Yes, of course the situation with Tasha is a part of it, but it's really everything piled up. The immense hatred of my job doesn't help matters. I refuse to take prescription medication, though, because I am fully aware of the sources of my stress and that some of those sources will lesson or go away and others will settle themselves. I think I mentioned a while ago that the worst part of Tasha's transition is not that she's changing but that the drawn-out process is incredibly frustrating. I just want it over with so that we can figure out how our story continues.

So, I have my worries and stresses, and then I have Tasha's. She's not sleeping well. She's staying apart from the kids. She's participating in the household but not as much as she said she would and, knowing that she isn't, she feels badly about it.

She feels badly about a lot of things and that makes her feel even worse.

And I can't do anything about it except work around her until she feels better.

She's supposed to feel happier now that she has a date.

'Tis the season to be grumpy. It's going to be a long school year.


Ariel said...

It's going to be a long school year indeed. Natasha has set herself a Herculean task: to go back from what she has experienced all summer and resume the dual life. She will have to play a role for however many hours a day of 180 days. She will have to experience life again as her male self.

I have a friend who had planned to do that after a summer of "full time." She couldn't do it. Fortunately, she still has her job. I know that's a major concern for Natasha.

Don't let lethargy take over! Exercise is one of the few effective therapies for depression. It works better than pharmaceuticals, which are really only to facilitate talk or cognitive-behavioural therapy anyway. The holy trinity: proper nutrition, enough sleep, and regular exercise. Those give you a fighting chance against depression. Without them, no therapy will work.

(I understand about eating when depressed. I'm all too good at it.)

You know how to get in touch with me if you want (at least Tasha does).

Anne said...

I can only echo Ariel's advice. It worked for me eons ago when I was recovering from my SRS which was a very long, bloody and painful affair. Oh and did I mention that it was depressing?

Pain has a way of doing that to you especially after months and months. Over time I developed a mantra....W A L K. When in pain, WALK. When depressed, WALK. When I was tired, WALK. When I was hungry, WALK. Walk, walk. walk...and then, walk some more.

When in doubt...WALK.

You have my hope and prayers for getting through this....and you can find my email, via my blog and my profile. Mama said there'd be days like this.

Best wishes,


Becca said...

I don't presume in anyway to understand the feelings of others in blogland. All I know is that for every step forward i take there is both delight and melancholy. The latter is down to regret that there is no other way and its coupled with associated guilt for the removal of another part of the man my wife loved.

Nothing is never simple it seems