Let's say that Natasha, as Jonathan, came to me nearly three years ago and said, "Honey, I love you so much. You are my soul mate and I would never ever do anything to hurt you, but I have finally come to terms with the fact that I am a Transsexual and I have to transition to become a woman as fast as i can. It's literally killing me inside and every moment I try to resist it, I feel like it's tearing me apart. I know you married a man and you're not a lesbian, but I really have to do this and I'm so sorry if it hurts you. It's not what I want."
Wow! What a doozie! I would have been in a state of shock, you know? I mean, I was a little shocked, although after I thought about it, I really wasn't that surprised. It's like when you know something is going to happen but when it actually happens, you're not quite prepared for it.
And then, I would think about what my husband said to me. Here's what I would have heard: "Honey, I love you, but what I need is far more important than what you need and if you find that you can't go on this journey with me then, while it makes me very sad, it is what it is."
I said this before... Really?
I would be thinking that I was immensely mistaken when I thought this guy was my soul mate.
But then, I would also think that everything was really pretty perfect except for this. So, how could it be that we aren't really soul mates? How stupid am I to have been that blind? But I still love him. I can't just turn that off. Yes, he has broken my heart into sharp, shredded fragments, but I can't just turn off what I've felt for the last (at that time) seven years.
As Jonathan's best friend, I would want to see him become a her and to be happy, even though he clearly did not care as much about my own happiness. And, with the kids being there and all, I wouldn't want to fight about the selfishness he was exhibiting. I would be so very, utterly torn.
I probably would be looking into the future and planning for that time when we would no longer be together and, living in the future as I really did for a time (see my earlier posts), I would have shut myself off from the present. I would be biding my time until he would become a she and we could separate.
In our situation, that would have been a big problem because together, we make a decent but barely sufficient wage. Separately, neither of us would make it. We would have been forced to stay together for, probably, several years. Now, I could have gone to my parents' house to live with the kids, but Natasha would have been pretty bad off. Considering this scenario, I probably wouldn't have cared that much, but she would not have been able to provide much in the way of child support. Oy!!! The things I would have had to consider!
Just think: If Natasha had been that selfish, that would have rubbed off on the kids. In our real situation, when I started to shut down, I realized that the kids were being affected. They were not seeing their mommy try. I wasn't trying. And if Natasha had been this selfish to progress without consideration of us, the kids would have had me not trying and their daddy becoming a girl without concern for them. Talk about bad signals! It was because of the kids, mainly, that I forced myself to look at the situation objectively enough to see how I was behaving. If Natasha had followed this Scenario #2, I don't know that I would have been brave enough to look into reality that way.
I don't like this scenario at all. I'm done with it.