Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Recovery


Natasha is going back to work tomorrow, which is both good and bad. It's good because we need her income and she enjoys her job. It's bad because she'll be out of the house a lot. I'm happy to say that I've felt this summer like I have every summer before, which is that I love it when she's home but I also look forward to a quiet house when everybody goes back to school.

Natasha is most recovered from her GRS, meaning that she's no longer in any significant pain and that she can go back to doing the things she did around the house. She fixed a broken drawer in the kitchen the other night. As much as she never would admit it, she's always been handy. She promised me that once she recovered she'd be more handy around the house. Trust me that I'll hold her to it. :-)

I'm recovering too. This is mostly good. It's only not all good because my mind can now consider the rest of our lives. It's still a bit concerning for me because she is starting to explore how much she can feel down there and although she insists now that she is truly 100% lesbian, neither of us can be completely sure that it won't change. She's also taking Progesterone to fill out her breasts. It's supposed to increase the sex drive, too.

For me, I'm not really nervous about experimenting with her. The closer it gets to happening, the less I feel like it's going to be... yucky. I mean, to be honest, I'm still not "sexually attracted" to her. But I do still love her as much as I ever did and I want to participate in the fun aspect of sex. What's happening to me, though, is that now that my mind is more settled, I'm finding my thoughts stray to male actors or past relationships (including that with my husband). No, I'm not tempted to stray, but I am definitely feeling my primal self. I know that I'll never have those experiences again and that does, in a small and occasional way, sadden me. I'm not just sitting there, pining for a male sexual partner. I don't even think about it much at all... but I do think about it occasionally, and that's the "not all good" part.

Other than that, it is good. I feel like my best friend is coming out of a dark, self-consuming cloud. My spouse has always had something of an ego that often leads to thinking about herself and turning conversations back toward herself, but our friends and I have also always teased her about it because it's not really a big deal. When she was going through transition, it got pretty bad. Now, though, she's back to "normal," which makes me happy. She's more silly, too. She used to be very silly. In short, my Woobie is returning, but as a much happier version. I think the kids see it, too. She vowed to be more playful with them. So far, she's a work in progress. But then, she's always been a work in progress. :-)

So, in summary, now that Natasha has come through the other side of her transition, I am free to worry about everything else. :-D

This adventure is far from over, folks, so I'll be back with more updates. For now, I'm working on my book about being a partner to a transsexual. I hope to finish it in the next month or so. Stay tuned!


5 comments:

Noelle MacLeod said...

I totally "get" what you're saying - all of it. The being concerned about sexual attraction to someone of the same sex (in physical body), the worries, the happiness that your best friend is no longer miserable, etc. My spouse has not had SRS, but is taking Progesterone and it definitley made the breasts fill out... and the libido is pretty much the same as always. This is such a crazy journey we're on - it's good to hear from others going through it. Makes me feel a lot less alone!

Stephanie said...

My wife and I have been married for 39 yrs, the last 6 after transition. She is the first to say that we have a much better marriage now than before. When one partner is unhappy all the time, they dwell on that and it makes everyone unhappy in the household. I applaud you for staying with Natasha. I know how hard it was to do that with all the unknowns that come to mind at first transitioning. Natasha picked a wonderful person to share her life with.

Hugs,
Stephanie

Anonymous said...

Marni,
I am glad Natasha is recovering good from her surgery and is getting around. i understand your biggest concern about sexual attraction to Natasha, but hopefully things will work out for both of you and you can get by the sex issue. You both will learn as time goes bye that you may need to tweak things in the marriage to satisfy both partners sexually.
you should encourage Natasha to explore her own body because everything is new and she need to get comfortable with her self. When Natasha feels comfortable and is ready for sex you will know and hopefully you are ready too. Best of luck.

Sara

Noelle MacLeod said...

I hope you two are doing okay. *sigh* This is such a hard thing to go through...

Marni said...

Hi Noelle - I just wrote another blog post about how we're doing... It's quite funny to me, so that should say something. :-)

It's still hard sometimes, but then, when is life not hard sometimes, right?