I was somewhat depressed lately for several reasons.
In March, our collie Casey had to leave us due to complications from pneumonia. My heart is still broken over it, even though I know she is with me in my soul. We still have Moose, our Bassett Hound, and I love him to bits, but Casey was "my" dog from the start, you know?
In March last year, the kids and I came downstairs to get ready for school and we found our crazy, lovable, softest cat in the world, Magnus, dying on the dining room floor. We rushed him to our vet, but he passed on the way.
Except for some birthdays, March is now my least favorite month.
Also, I am still floundering around for a day job/career while I continue to work toward a writing career. I finally admitted that I enjoyed being a literary agent (that's another story), so I sent out resumes for jobs and training programs, but in February I was informed, after working for them for a whole YEAR in California, that my last online teaching job couldn't offer me work anymore because their accreditation doesn't extend into California. So that disappeared. Thank goodness Tasha and I are back in school this year because we are receiving some cost-of-living financial aid. I could go out and get whatever job I can find, but there are two sad facts: 1) I am way overqualified for most so they won't even consider me and 2) most non-teaching jobs out there don't pay enough to cover our monthly expenses. So finances really suck. I did, however, take the plunge today and announce to my local FB friends that I'm getting back into massage, so if word gets around enough, things will get better. Fingers and eyes crossed!
The other significant reason I've been feeling this way is because of guilt. I know I shouldn't feel guilty, and Tasha has told me the same, but I have recognized that our marriage is not working for me as much as I wish it did. I am so very, very happy and lucky to be married to my best friend and soul mate. We have fun. We get along. We communicate very well. We have a ton in common and we agree on most topics. But what we have is a platonic friendship. Well, that's the case for me, at least.
We talked about this the other day, when I couldn't hold it in anymore. Those thoughts were weighing on me in a way I've never felt before. So, it was a relief to finally talk about it. I told her everything I was feeling and she understood. In fact, she was calm about it, which I didn't expect at all. I'm pretty sure she had been sensing it long before, but considering how she had reacted in the past to passing conversations about our marriage, I was relieved to see that she had clearly thought about this, too, and knew how she really felt about it.
I'm not involved with anyone else. No one has asked me out or even hinted at being interested in me. I'm not going to bars or joining matchmaking websites or anything like that. Some day, I will probably get to the point where I feel that I just need to live alone (with the kids, of course) because being married to her might become more of a convenience than anything else, and that's not fair to her. Heck, as much as she disagrees about the possibility, she might actually meet someone worth being with. That would make me SO happy. She misses the "intimacy" of a relationship as much as I do and we both deserve to have it.
She said that she's okay with me taking my wedding ring off if I feel the need to. She suggested that I could probably still find someone even with the ring on, but seriously, would YOU want to be with someone who ignored the ring on your finger? What does that say about that person? I'm sure a totally awesome guy (a guy for me, a girl for you maybe) would understand if I explained the situation to him and he understood, but at some point he'd want that ring off. Anyway, the bottom line is that we have crossed yet another spoke in this wheel we're on. On the one hand, I feel much better having been "given permission" by her to move on, but on the other hand, it still breaks my heart to think about the probable end to what was supposed to be a forever thing.
Tasha says if we end up not living together, she'll build a tiny house in my back yard to live in. That's what she told our daughter, anyway. I can't see her staying in one of those things. She's got too much stuff. :-)
The story isn't over, my super-wonderful readers. Nothing's happening yet. If or when it does, there will still be more to say about being the spouse of a transsexual. For now, we're still married and still rolling with the wheel.