Wednesday, April 15, 2015

The Turning of the Wheel

I was somewhat depressed lately for several reasons.

In March, our collie Casey had to leave us due to complications from pneumonia. My heart is still broken over it, even though I know she is with me in my soul. We still have Moose, our Bassett Hound, and I love him to bits, but Casey was "my" dog from the start, you know?

In March last year, the kids and I came downstairs to get ready for school and we found our crazy, lovable, softest cat in the world, Magnus, dying on the dining room floor. We rushed him to our vet, but he passed on the way.

Except for some birthdays, March is now my least favorite month.

Also, I am still floundering around for a day job/career while I continue to work toward a writing career. I finally admitted that I enjoyed being a literary agent (that's another story), so I sent out resumes for jobs and training programs, but in February I was informed, after working for them for a whole YEAR in California, that my last online teaching job couldn't offer me work anymore because their accreditation doesn't extend into California. So that disappeared. Thank goodness Tasha and I are back in school this year because we are receiving some cost-of-living financial aid. I could go out and get whatever job I can find, but there are two sad facts: 1) I am way overqualified for most so they won't even consider me and 2) most non-teaching jobs out there don't pay enough to cover our monthly expenses. So finances really suck. I did, however, take the plunge today and announce to my local FB friends that I'm getting back into massage, so if word gets around enough, things will get better. Fingers and eyes crossed!

The other significant reason I've been feeling this way is because of guilt. I know I shouldn't feel guilty, and Tasha has told me the same, but I have recognized that our marriage is not working for me as much as I wish it did. I am so very, very happy and lucky to be married to my best friend and soul mate. We have fun. We get along. We communicate very well. We have a ton in common and we agree on most topics. But what we have is a platonic friendship. Well, that's the case for me, at least.

We talked about this the other day, when I couldn't hold it in anymore. Those thoughts were weighing on me in a way I've never felt before. So, it was a relief to finally talk about it. I told her everything I was feeling and she understood. In fact, she was calm about it, which I didn't expect at all. I'm pretty sure she had been sensing it long before, but considering how she had reacted in the past to passing conversations about our marriage, I was relieved to see that she had clearly thought about this, too, and knew how she really felt about it.

I'm not involved with anyone else. No one has asked me out or even hinted at being interested in me. I'm not going to bars or joining matchmaking websites or anything like that. Some day, I will probably get to the point where I feel that I just need to live alone (with the kids, of course) because being married to her might become more of a convenience than anything else, and that's not fair to her. Heck, as much as she disagrees about the possibility, she might actually meet someone worth being with. That would make me SO happy. She misses the "intimacy" of a relationship as much as I do and we both deserve to have it.

She said that she's okay with me taking my wedding ring off if I feel the need to. She suggested that I could probably still find someone even with the ring on, but seriously, would YOU want to be with someone who ignored the ring on your finger? What does that say about that person? I'm sure a totally awesome guy (a guy for me, a girl for you maybe) would understand if I explained the situation to him and he understood, but at some point he'd want that ring off. Anyway, the bottom line is that we have crossed yet another spoke in this wheel we're on. On the one hand, I feel much better having been "given permission" by her to move on, but on the other hand, it still breaks my heart to think about the probable end to what was supposed to be a forever thing.

Tasha says if we end up not living together, she'll build a tiny house in my back yard to live in. That's what she told our daughter, anyway. I can't see her staying in one of those things. She's got too much stuff. :-)

The story isn't over, my super-wonderful readers. Nothing's happening yet. If or when it does, there will still be more to say about being the spouse of a transsexual. For now, we're still married and still rolling with the wheel.


Anonymous said...

If you don't end up staying together, an amicable breakup is probably the best possible scenario... You and your wife both sound like caring people who can navigate this without hurting each other. I am in a similar position to you (dealing with the transition of my spouse from male to female), and it certainly does come with many conflicting feelings.

Best wishes to you and Tasha.

Marni said...

Thank you. Had I left at the beginning, which would have been because of anger, a separation would not have been pretty. :-)

Tiffanie Chezum said...

You are very incredible. There comes that time when you need to take care of you ... often that is not easy to do. Thank you for sharing your feelings so honestly.

B. Strong said...

I fear this myself, wanting or needing something physical that my marriage doesn't satisfy. I find myself wondering about open marriage, but don't think that can actually work. I guess I just wonder why it couldn't work. Does any one person really satisfy all of our needs? Why does jealousy take over like it does? Why does marriage have to encompass everything? I can't imagine being with another person physically outside of the marriage right now without it ruining everything, but don't want to deny my spouse or myself getting to experience fulfillment. I'm sorry I don't have advice, just more questions.

Marni said...

Tiffanie, thank you, and yes, I have been trying to take care of myself. It's not an easy task. :-)

B - I hear ya. Open marriages work for some people, but for people like me, and like you it seems. I had a complete package in the person I married and didn't need anyone else to make me feel like I was getting everything I needed. And that's pretty damn awesome. But now I don't have that anymore and it breaks my heart and it makes me feel horribly guilty for even thinking otherwise, but it's how I feel. Marriage doesn't HAVE to encompass everything, but for me it did and to suddenly think that it's okay to go outside of the marriage for something that is no longer there just feels wrong. If Tasha were still Jonathan and we were having some kind of problem that made me feel like I was no longer getting something that I needed, we'd go to therapy. We'd work it out. We'd communicate about it. But a gender reassignment isn't something one can fix with therapy or talking. If you're not bi-sexual then there's not much your physiology is going to find appealing about a woman. It's still a hard road.

Anonymous said...

I have read your articles with much interest and thank you for sharing. My Wife and I are in a very similar situation. She does not have the same feelings for me that she had before I started transitioning. As She said "I married a Man, not a Woman" I feel horrible for hurting my Wife with my desires. The whole situation just seems hopeless.

My Wife introduced me to cross dressing about 3 years ago, but She did not know that I would become obsessed with it. She created a Frankenstein. She regrets introducing me, but She still supports, encourages and helps me with my clothes, make-up, etc. She wants me to be happy even at her expense. She is so good to me. My Angel. My Soul Mate.

I have tried abstinence and purging with no success. My Counselor has already diagnosed me with gender dysphoria and I know and have accepted that I am Transsexual. If I had known I would have told my Wife before we married. I would not have kept it a secret from Her.

I do not want to hurt my Wife and I will never leave her. I still Love Her and want her just as much as when I was a Man. Still, I do understand and I respect Her feelings. I just never ever wanted to hurt Her. Most of the time I just wish I would die.

It's Hell, you know? I can see myself keep on loving my Wife, but She can't love me as a trans woman. We both understand each other's feelings, but we just don't know what to do.

What a long strange trip it's been

Best Wishes to You and Your's - Violet ♥

Marni said...

Violet - Even this far along, when I have my moments of sadness about our relationship, Tasha says to me that if she could go back in time, she would have kept it all to herself. But I always remind her that I wasn't happy then, either, because she was so utterly depressed. She wasn't a happy person as a man. She was angry a lot and depressed even more often. What kind of life would that have been for me, her, or especially our children? If you and she are truly soul mates, then I hope that you both continue to consider each other as such. Then, you have a good chance of at least remaining friends because you both will make decisions based on love and not based on hate or fear. It truly is a very strange and often sad trip. Nobody seems to really "win" in this situation. But we try to do the best we can and remember that we are friends first. Whatever decisions come out of that are probably the best we can do.

You might want to reach out to my spouse, Violet. She is very supportive and helpful, and she can offer you more insight than I can. Please let me know if you are interested.