Do you find that over time, if you've been having a bad go of things, that you continue to have a bad go of things? I'm sure you've guessed that although I haven't written anything in the last few months (sorry), stress remains in my house. Sure, we're content where we are in terms of our relationship to one another, but we've been trying to get out of the Phoenix area since, like, last year, and I hasn't been working.
Last October, as I wrote in a previous post, I sort of cracked. I realized that I hadn't been doing anything for myself and if I didn't choose at least one thing to do for me, I would not make it. So, I applied to USC's Producers Program.
I didn't get in.
Last Spring, Natasha had several misses on job opportunities in L.A. In early Summer, she was offered a job at a middle school out there, but the California credential office (for teachers) was three months behind, so she couldn't actually take the job. This, we found out in late July.
I also applied to some TV writing fellowships. All but one have closed and, guess what?... No go.
I did place in the Austin TV Pilot writing competition. That will definitely come in handy. Placing means that I got into the top 10%. I beat about a thousand other writers to get there, so it's nothing to sneeze at. Looks good on the old writing/producing resume. But it does me no good at the moment.
So, in August, after the school year had started, Natasha got a call from the principal of the middle school, asking if she would start in January if she held the position. Well, duh!
Unfortunately, a charter school opened up down the street and took the 23 kids she needed to fund Natasha's position.
Fortunately, the principle has a friend who is also a principal. Principal #2 said she would hire Natasha in January.
Unfortunately, the credential office HAS STILL NOT GRANTED THE CREDENTIAL! A stupid move on Natasha's part about 20 years ago reared its ugly head and sent up a red flag, which meant that her application had to go to review. The review isn't until the last week of November. We figured that we couldn't move by then anyway. I couldn't get work out there mid-year as a professor.
I'll stop there because a couple of weeks ago, a friend of mine reminded me that I'm a crazy pagan and I do things like home and spirit cleansing. I burn herbs and petals and things and talk to the Universe and make declarations and things actually HAPPEN. It's all that Jedi Force stuff, you know. You can learn all about it in the What the Bleep series. :-)
Anyway, I went home that day, discovered that I did not have a smudge stick (that's a sage bundle for you non-Native American peeps out there), so I had to improvise with stuff from my kitchen. Long story short, I walked clockwise around my house, only mildly concerned that the smoke detector would go off, and declared to the Universe that I was done with the negative crap. I was done being on the receiving end of bad news.
I have to explain something here. I am a 3rd degree High Priestess in Wicca (no, I don't practice anymore for reasons I will explain if anyone is actually interested) and I'm a Reiki Master - that I do still practice. When one accepts the role of leader in a practice that requires a person to be open to receiving energies, one also accepts that the Universe doesn't discriminate between energies that come from good news of bad news. Especially for Reiki, we are told before taking the Master position that we are basically declaring that we can handle other people's sh*t in order to help cleanse them of it. If a person doesn't really feel he/she can handle it, taking the Master position is a very bad idea because it can really mess up your life. I've seen it happen to others.
Not that my life is a clean and orderly thing, but overall, what has happened has not "messed up" my life in the grand scheme. Yes, I planned to be married to my male soul mate for ever and ever, and now that's not gonna happen. But really, I'm still with my best friend and we still work very well together as a married couple and more importantly as parents who work as partners. I've handled the sh*t that's been tossed at me. Those damned shoes just keep falling and I find a place for them in Natasha's shoe shelf if they are her size.
So, back to my story. I declared that I was done with the Universal bad news shoes. I decided to believe that I deserved good news. I deserved what I asked for, which included getting out of the Phoenix area.
Last week, Natasha wrote to principal #2 to tell her what was going on. She said that the job is still waiting for her, so assuming that the credential review goes well, which it should, she'll move in December/January.
Last week, the community college in the LA area that first hired me about 14 years ago called me to ask if I could come out for an interview. They need faculty for the spring semester. You bet I'm going! It's on Wednesday morning, so put out the good vibes!
We even decided that if both my job and hers comes through, I would homeschool the kids for the spring if we can't get them into the school we want them to attend. This one's a bit of a stretch as far as good karma is concerned. It's a private school that not only would have to have spaces for the kids, but they would also be able to offer financial aid mid-year. We certainly can't afford to pay what it really costs. Ideally, the school would come through for us on both accounts. Still have my fingers and eyes crossed.
The last thing I'm waiting for is to hear that I've been accepted into UCLA's Producers Program. Won't find out until March about this one, but I know I deserve it.
So, did my little cleansing turn things around? Maybe. I choose to believe it did. I believe that I needed to make the mental and spiritual decision to allow good things to happen. I think that enough crap and bad news built up over the last several years (plus the fact that I really just don't like living in Phoenix) that I believed that bad news was the norm.
The Dark Side was winning.
Then, I smoked up my house with sage and dried yellow rose petals and told the Dark Side, "You have no power over me!" (name that movie!) I chose to change my mind.
Yes, there is still stress, but I have chosen to handle it differently. Maybe that's what this is all about. Can I use the Force to change what comes into my life? I think I can. I believe I can.
I think you can, too. I believe that you can take what comes into your life and handle it. I think that you can use your brain and your intuition and find the best course of action. I think you can decide how to handle what you are handed, including knowing when to ask for help and also when to stop being stubborn or when to stop being in denial or when to be honest.
What becomes of you is up to only one person. We can't control everything in our lives, but we can always control how we respond. We can blame no one but ourselves for our reactions, just as we must give ourselves credit for doing the right thing. There is so little support for transfolk and partners. You should all do a little cleansing now and again to remind yourself about what the right thing is: that as a good person, you deserve good news and good things.