We visited our best friends over the weekend. Two of them are like sisters to me and they happen to really be sisters to each other. Truly. I was talking to the older sister, who always seems to be learning some life lesson at about the same time as I, even if the conveyance of that lesson is different, and we got on the subject of taking life one day at a time.
My parents are planners. Generally, they plan as much as they can, but they do recognize that much of life is completely unscripted. My father "expects the worst but hopes for the best," and that was what I learned to do. But I realized in the last several months that living this way in terms of my relationship with Natasha was literally killing me.
I have spent so much of the last 2+ years looking into the future where Natasha and I won't be together for one of several reasons that I limited my own ability to see that today, in this moment, everything is great between us. Sure: when I write in this space I can step back and list the good things and the not-so-good things about what is happening as a result of her transition, but when I was just living my life and regarding her, I looked far off into the future... a future that might or might not happen.
Things might not go well between us in the future, but then, things might end up better than they were before she transitioned. I've mentioned several times her mental condition prior to seeking therapy. It was really, really bad. It was getting to the point where I was unsure if I could handle it. So, since so much of that bad is gone, our relationship... today... is pretty darned great. So why would I spoil today with thoughts of an uncertain tomorrow?
Life can be short. I'd prefer to live forever, but that might not happen. When it comes to the success of our relationship, I believe that much of how this all turns out will be determined by how I live today. If I focus on something horrible that might not even happen, how can I possibly fully appreciate what I have today?
Today, everything in my personal life is wonderful!
It's my financial life that sucks. :-)
Monday, October 3, 2011
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Choice
Ladies, especially those of you who commented on my last post, I'm not going to continue the conversation there. I'm going to say what I have to say and you all can talk it out if you choose to in comments, but I will not argue about it any more. As Anne said, we all seem to have our own definition of "choice." I'm frankly a bit surprised at the level of denial about this particular concept and that made me angry
But let me tell you this: When I said I didn't have a choice about whether or not to support Natasha's transition, OF COURSE I HAD A CHOICE. That's called an "expression."
However, many of you seem to think that there is some kind of controlling force out there in the universe that caused you to have this problem and thereby rendered you powerless to move your life on one direction or another.
The question is not whether I have known other TS than Natasha before. That's completely irrelevant to the topic of free will. I do happen to know the stories of several of you. I know that some of your relationships did not end well. I now that some of you are still struggling to hold on to those relationships. I know that some (a far smaller number) had no barriers to your transition. You all have different stories.
But it does not matter what your situation is. EVERY PERSON IN THE WORLD HAS FREE WILL. Every person in the world must make a choice every single day at every moment. No matter what their situation. Little kids starving around the world were given their situations and what they might be able to do about that might have LIMITED choices, but they choose how to DEAL with their situations every moment.
You, my TS friends, have a choice. Perhaps you don't want to hear this, but there is only one definition of choice. I had a choice about whether or not to support Tasha. Each of you and each of your partners had a choice to make. You TS folk chose to follow your needs. I'm not saying that it was wrong.
LET ME SET THIS STRAIGHT. I'm not saying that the choice was an easy one or that it was not the obvious one or the path to least harm or whatever. The fact is that the moments we open our mouths to speak, we pick up a pen to write a letter, we put that letter in the mail or send it over the internet, the moments we put on that obvious piece of clothing for the first time to show the world what we think of ourselves, we are making a choice.
Don't forget that I am a SPOUSE. Perhaps your partner didn't or wouldn't tell you this, or that he or she couldn't find the right words to explain, but for US, your decision (which is a choice) to tell us when you did, how you did, where you did, changed our lives FOREVER. You cannot blame us for feeling this way, whether or not you and your partner had pre-existing problems. The fact is that choice is the at the very center of our pain and fear. It was your choice to tell us that we must process and get over. I'm sorry, but that's the absolute truth. Choice is what makes you feel guilty about having told us. Choice is what we wrestle with when trying to figure out where we stand in our relationships. Choice is what helps us determine to stay and find the happiness we had before or to leave and hope for happiness again.
Perhaps you might not follow my blog anymore because of what I am saying, but that tells me something about your level of guilt. I'm not trying to upset people. I'm representing the spouse here. I'm telling you, with as much impartiality as I can considering the circumstances, what's going on in my mind and my heart. You all, if you haven't done so already, need to do the same, because until you admit to yourself that you made a conscious decision to move forward with your transition, your feelings of guilt and all of those consequential feelings will NEVER subside. Any good therapist will tell you that you had a choice and that you have to own that.
If anyone is still reading this, I ask that you remember that I am not against any of you. If you've been reading my posts, you know that I also don't hold back. I cannot POSSIBLY imagine how you TS folk feel, but then, you can't possibly imagine how I feel. Yet, there are some universal truths out there that we should be able to agree upon. One of these is the matter of choice. If you had a knife in your leg and, as much as it hurt if you kept it in you would ensure the safety of your family, whereas if you pulled it out, while your own pain would subside your family would suffer, you still would have a choice. When someone holds a gun to your head, you have the choice to either do what that person says or attempt to overpower that person. If you can't swim and you suddenly find yourself alone in the water, you have a choice of either giving up without trying or trying your hardest and screaming for help. There is always choice. To say that you don't is an attempt at taking responsibility away from yourself. You can't do that.
So, until the next post... I hop you stick around to read it.
But let me tell you this: When I said I didn't have a choice about whether or not to support Natasha's transition, OF COURSE I HAD A CHOICE. That's called an "expression."
However, many of you seem to think that there is some kind of controlling force out there in the universe that caused you to have this problem and thereby rendered you powerless to move your life on one direction or another.
The question is not whether I have known other TS than Natasha before. That's completely irrelevant to the topic of free will. I do happen to know the stories of several of you. I know that some of your relationships did not end well. I now that some of you are still struggling to hold on to those relationships. I know that some (a far smaller number) had no barriers to your transition. You all have different stories.
But it does not matter what your situation is. EVERY PERSON IN THE WORLD HAS FREE WILL. Every person in the world must make a choice every single day at every moment. No matter what their situation. Little kids starving around the world were given their situations and what they might be able to do about that might have LIMITED choices, but they choose how to DEAL with their situations every moment.
You, my TS friends, have a choice. Perhaps you don't want to hear this, but there is only one definition of choice. I had a choice about whether or not to support Tasha. Each of you and each of your partners had a choice to make. You TS folk chose to follow your needs. I'm not saying that it was wrong.
LET ME SET THIS STRAIGHT. I'm not saying that the choice was an easy one or that it was not the obvious one or the path to least harm or whatever. The fact is that the moments we open our mouths to speak, we pick up a pen to write a letter, we put that letter in the mail or send it over the internet, the moments we put on that obvious piece of clothing for the first time to show the world what we think of ourselves, we are making a choice.
Don't forget that I am a SPOUSE. Perhaps your partner didn't or wouldn't tell you this, or that he or she couldn't find the right words to explain, but for US, your decision (which is a choice) to tell us when you did, how you did, where you did, changed our lives FOREVER. You cannot blame us for feeling this way, whether or not you and your partner had pre-existing problems. The fact is that choice is the at the very center of our pain and fear. It was your choice to tell us that we must process and get over. I'm sorry, but that's the absolute truth. Choice is what makes you feel guilty about having told us. Choice is what we wrestle with when trying to figure out where we stand in our relationships. Choice is what helps us determine to stay and find the happiness we had before or to leave and hope for happiness again.
Perhaps you might not follow my blog anymore because of what I am saying, but that tells me something about your level of guilt. I'm not trying to upset people. I'm representing the spouse here. I'm telling you, with as much impartiality as I can considering the circumstances, what's going on in my mind and my heart. You all, if you haven't done so already, need to do the same, because until you admit to yourself that you made a conscious decision to move forward with your transition, your feelings of guilt and all of those consequential feelings will NEVER subside. Any good therapist will tell you that you had a choice and that you have to own that.
If anyone is still reading this, I ask that you remember that I am not against any of you. If you've been reading my posts, you know that I also don't hold back. I cannot POSSIBLY imagine how you TS folk feel, but then, you can't possibly imagine how I feel. Yet, there are some universal truths out there that we should be able to agree upon. One of these is the matter of choice. If you had a knife in your leg and, as much as it hurt if you kept it in you would ensure the safety of your family, whereas if you pulled it out, while your own pain would subside your family would suffer, you still would have a choice. When someone holds a gun to your head, you have the choice to either do what that person says or attempt to overpower that person. If you can't swim and you suddenly find yourself alone in the water, you have a choice of either giving up without trying or trying your hardest and screaming for help. There is always choice. To say that you don't is an attempt at taking responsibility away from yourself. You can't do that.
So, until the next post... I hop you stick around to read it.
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Whom to Blame?
I've been having a conversation with a friend in England (via Facebook) about her situation with her TS spouse. I feel horribly for her because of the, frankly, pretty bad problems she is having because of her spouse's transition. I think that, while quite drastically bad in comparison, her situation is a very good example of what a lot of non-transitioning partners and spouses end up going through, and consequently what causes a whole heap of guilty feelings on the part of the TS.
I think that this may be the crux of the cause of so many spouses leaving the situation. Whether or not a rift in the marriage existed prior to the TS coming out, the fact is that when the transition takes place, at any point along the way, the partner/spouse is forced to change his/her life because of it. Because the partner/spouse did not choose for any of this to happen, and because... technically, the TS is not forced to make any changes at any point (it really is the TS's choice to do something when and where), resentment can rear it's ugly big head.
The big chore for the partner/spouse is where to direct the resentment.
Take my friend's situation. N is British. Her TS spouse, O, is American. They are legally married here in the US, she's lived here for many years, but for some reason the State Department has decided that now that O is legally a woman, their marriage is invalid. I don't want to get into a tangential conversation about whether this finding is correct, because it's not. The point is that N now has two choices to make:
1. Stay in England without her spouse and children for the rest of her life
2. Return to the US with limited domestic partner rights (she'll have health insurance) and without the ability to work, pay taxes, vote, get a permanent driver's license or pretty much anything else a citizen should have by law. She'd be on a renewable, temporary visa forever, with the possibility of deportation at the SD's whim. Essentially, she'd be forced to stay at home and do nothing.
See? I said her situation is extraordinary, but it makes the strong and very sad point that the struggle she's in now is SOLELY because her spouse transitioned.
One can't help but to feel a little resentment toward the TS spouse, even though it's the State Department's stupidity that is to blame.
My situation has similar qualities to it, as does just about every TS partnership. For me, I have to be willing to accept that, "Oh, you're in a LESBIAN relationship," look from people who realize that I use the term "spouse" and "parent" to refer to Natasha. And there IS a specific look. It's a kind of pitying yet curious look. I've had to accept that there is a woman sleeping in my bed with me and not a man. I've had to have conversations with my very young children about why it's okay that Daddy is becoming a girl but that the two of them will not have to change their genders when they are older. Clearly, these and other things that I'm adjusting in my life are not nearly on the same level of awful as those for my friend N, but they do wear a person down sometimes and I have to remind myself on occasion that it's not Natasha's fault.
Many spouses have this argument with themselves. On the one hand, like I said, the TS never really MUST do something. I hear lots of you lovely TS folk out there saying, "Yes. We do HAVE TO do something at some point." But come on. There's that "some point" factor that lots of folks forget about. How many TS folk have had to wait to progress from one phase of transition to another? Natasha had to wait. She's still waiting for her GRS. Perhaps some TS had to wait because the spouse said if you go any further, we're through and that was enough to stop it. This is not to say that waiting for any period of time is easy or painless. But it IS a choice to move forward, even if it's NOT a choice to be Transsexual.
But then, in my situation, Natasha didn't take any step forward until I gave her permission to do so. In reality, however, I didn't think I really had a choice. My spouse was in mental pain and for me to hold her back felt selfish and awful. So, as much as I didn't want to give her permission, I did because I loved her and wanted her to feel happier about herself. I knew what I was giving up and it broke my heart every day, over and over again. It still does sometimes.
Yet, I still resent the transition sometimes, and that's okay. But for many spouses, it's not okay, and here is where the marriage/partnership ends. I know of several TS folk who basically told their partners, "I have to go through this now and if you can't be with me then that's the way it has to be." Frankly, I think that's completely selfish, but perhaps there already was a previously existing issue in the relationship. If there wasn't, there sure would be at that point! If Natasha had said that to me, you bet I wouldn't be here. Throwing an ultimatum like that into someone's face is just plain rotten. Nobody HAS to do ANYTHING NOW (unless, of course, your organs are failing or something else threatens the finality of your life).
So, getting back to this resentment, assuming that the transition was agreed upon by both partners, we cannot help but sometimes to feel hurt by the situation. For those spouses who really do want to stay with their TS partner, it behooves you to sit down and really think critically about what is causing the resentment. If you want to stay in the relationship but are afraid and angry because your life is changing, think about the actual cause of what's making you angry. For me, one of my causes is that even the kindest people still think same-sex couples are strange. I'm angry at the bureaucracy of name changes. I'm frustrated that school forms still assume that when there are two legal guardians of kids, one must be male. For my friend N, she must remember that it's the State Department being stupid. Now, N has a long legal road ahead of her. That is stressful, painful, fearful and a host of other -ful words that will strain her relationship with O. But if they really do love each other and want to be together, then this is the road she must take. Her resentment toward O is that she doesn't have to go through this in the same way that N does, but N knows that's not exactly O's fault. It just gets hard sometimes to remember where to place that anger.
I use an analogy to explain to people why I have chosen to stand by Natasha and I think they understand (I've mentioned this before, so forgive my redundancy). If Natasha had been in a horrible accident that left her completely paralyzed but her mind was completely untouched, I would not leave her. Who would? She might change a bit in personality. It would dramatically change our everyday lives - what we could or couldn't do, responsibilities, job situations, etc - but the person Natasha would still be there. Yes, I've heard that sometimes people in traumatic accidents actually do change drastically in personality. This is different. Natasha knows that if she likes being a girly girl and spends hours in front of the mirror and insists upon buying lots of clothes and shoes and wants to start going out... well, I think we'll have serious problems. But this is not the case.
I would be so angry if something like that happened to Natasha (the accident, not the shoes). I'm sure there would be days that I would just sit on my bed and cry for hours over what had happened to my spouse and the stresses and responsibilities I would have inherited through no choice of my own. But I would stay and deal with it because she would still be my loving spouse.
Natasha feels guilty at times about what I am going through "because of her." I don't tell her not to feel guilty, but I do remind her that it's my choice to be here. One one hand, she is the reason for so much change in my life. Unlike an accident, she consciously chooses to progress with her transition. She knows that it shouldn't be up to me to let her move forward. I shouldn't have to make those kinds of decisions because, truthfully, then I can only blame myself. She is where she is because I have said, "okay." On the other hand, to deny her the ability to be herself in her right body is cruel. So, she lives with some guilt and I live with some unwelcome changes. But that happens anyway, right? Things change. S**t happens! People feel guilty about stuff.
Whom do we blame when s**t happens? Don't sling anything at anybody until you know for sure where to aim.
I think that this may be the crux of the cause of so many spouses leaving the situation. Whether or not a rift in the marriage existed prior to the TS coming out, the fact is that when the transition takes place, at any point along the way, the partner/spouse is forced to change his/her life because of it. Because the partner/spouse did not choose for any of this to happen, and because... technically, the TS is not forced to make any changes at any point (it really is the TS's choice to do something when and where), resentment can rear it's ugly big head.
The big chore for the partner/spouse is where to direct the resentment.
Take my friend's situation. N is British. Her TS spouse, O, is American. They are legally married here in the US, she's lived here for many years, but for some reason the State Department has decided that now that O is legally a woman, their marriage is invalid. I don't want to get into a tangential conversation about whether this finding is correct, because it's not. The point is that N now has two choices to make:
1. Stay in England without her spouse and children for the rest of her life
2. Return to the US with limited domestic partner rights (she'll have health insurance) and without the ability to work, pay taxes, vote, get a permanent driver's license or pretty much anything else a citizen should have by law. She'd be on a renewable, temporary visa forever, with the possibility of deportation at the SD's whim. Essentially, she'd be forced to stay at home and do nothing.
See? I said her situation is extraordinary, but it makes the strong and very sad point that the struggle she's in now is SOLELY because her spouse transitioned.
One can't help but to feel a little resentment toward the TS spouse, even though it's the State Department's stupidity that is to blame.
My situation has similar qualities to it, as does just about every TS partnership. For me, I have to be willing to accept that, "Oh, you're in a LESBIAN relationship," look from people who realize that I use the term "spouse" and "parent" to refer to Natasha. And there IS a specific look. It's a kind of pitying yet curious look. I've had to accept that there is a woman sleeping in my bed with me and not a man. I've had to have conversations with my very young children about why it's okay that Daddy is becoming a girl but that the two of them will not have to change their genders when they are older. Clearly, these and other things that I'm adjusting in my life are not nearly on the same level of awful as those for my friend N, but they do wear a person down sometimes and I have to remind myself on occasion that it's not Natasha's fault.
Many spouses have this argument with themselves. On the one hand, like I said, the TS never really MUST do something. I hear lots of you lovely TS folk out there saying, "Yes. We do HAVE TO do something at some point." But come on. There's that "some point" factor that lots of folks forget about. How many TS folk have had to wait to progress from one phase of transition to another? Natasha had to wait. She's still waiting for her GRS. Perhaps some TS had to wait because the spouse said if you go any further, we're through and that was enough to stop it. This is not to say that waiting for any period of time is easy or painless. But it IS a choice to move forward, even if it's NOT a choice to be Transsexual.
But then, in my situation, Natasha didn't take any step forward until I gave her permission to do so. In reality, however, I didn't think I really had a choice. My spouse was in mental pain and for me to hold her back felt selfish and awful. So, as much as I didn't want to give her permission, I did because I loved her and wanted her to feel happier about herself. I knew what I was giving up and it broke my heart every day, over and over again. It still does sometimes.
Yet, I still resent the transition sometimes, and that's okay. But for many spouses, it's not okay, and here is where the marriage/partnership ends. I know of several TS folk who basically told their partners, "I have to go through this now and if you can't be with me then that's the way it has to be." Frankly, I think that's completely selfish, but perhaps there already was a previously existing issue in the relationship. If there wasn't, there sure would be at that point! If Natasha had said that to me, you bet I wouldn't be here. Throwing an ultimatum like that into someone's face is just plain rotten. Nobody HAS to do ANYTHING NOW (unless, of course, your organs are failing or something else threatens the finality of your life).
So, getting back to this resentment, assuming that the transition was agreed upon by both partners, we cannot help but sometimes to feel hurt by the situation. For those spouses who really do want to stay with their TS partner, it behooves you to sit down and really think critically about what is causing the resentment. If you want to stay in the relationship but are afraid and angry because your life is changing, think about the actual cause of what's making you angry. For me, one of my causes is that even the kindest people still think same-sex couples are strange. I'm angry at the bureaucracy of name changes. I'm frustrated that school forms still assume that when there are two legal guardians of kids, one must be male. For my friend N, she must remember that it's the State Department being stupid. Now, N has a long legal road ahead of her. That is stressful, painful, fearful and a host of other -ful words that will strain her relationship with O. But if they really do love each other and want to be together, then this is the road she must take. Her resentment toward O is that she doesn't have to go through this in the same way that N does, but N knows that's not exactly O's fault. It just gets hard sometimes to remember where to place that anger.
I use an analogy to explain to people why I have chosen to stand by Natasha and I think they understand (I've mentioned this before, so forgive my redundancy). If Natasha had been in a horrible accident that left her completely paralyzed but her mind was completely untouched, I would not leave her. Who would? She might change a bit in personality. It would dramatically change our everyday lives - what we could or couldn't do, responsibilities, job situations, etc - but the person Natasha would still be there. Yes, I've heard that sometimes people in traumatic accidents actually do change drastically in personality. This is different. Natasha knows that if she likes being a girly girl and spends hours in front of the mirror and insists upon buying lots of clothes and shoes and wants to start going out... well, I think we'll have serious problems. But this is not the case.
I would be so angry if something like that happened to Natasha (the accident, not the shoes). I'm sure there would be days that I would just sit on my bed and cry for hours over what had happened to my spouse and the stresses and responsibilities I would have inherited through no choice of my own. But I would stay and deal with it because she would still be my loving spouse.
Natasha feels guilty at times about what I am going through "because of her." I don't tell her not to feel guilty, but I do remind her that it's my choice to be here. One one hand, she is the reason for so much change in my life. Unlike an accident, she consciously chooses to progress with her transition. She knows that it shouldn't be up to me to let her move forward. I shouldn't have to make those kinds of decisions because, truthfully, then I can only blame myself. She is where she is because I have said, "okay." On the other hand, to deny her the ability to be herself in her right body is cruel. So, she lives with some guilt and I live with some unwelcome changes. But that happens anyway, right? Things change. S**t happens! People feel guilty about stuff.
Whom do we blame when s**t happens? Don't sling anything at anybody until you know for sure where to aim.
Thursday, August 25, 2011
No Rainbow Connection
Okay, at the risk of upsetting some people (What? Marni? Afraid of upsetting people? NOOOO!), I wanted to talk about the use of the rainbow when referring to a group or organization that supports the LGBT community... or even the LGBTQA community. I'm sure there's a longer acronym out there, too. The more we identify the subtleties between points on the sexual orientation continuum, the longer the acronyms are sure to get.
I LOVE the fact that Natasha is starting a Gay-Straight Alliance at her school. She has joined (because I subscribed to their eNewsletter) GLSEN. But then, she "Liked" this other group on Facebook called the LGBT Geeks of Arizona. That's fine for her, but I can't very well go to any of their events, now can I? I'm straight, after all. There are TONS of these groups. LGBT America. GALA - Gay and Lesbian Association of Choruses. LGBT Democrats. Just do a search in FB alone and you could spend hours going though all of the sites.
So, like, I can't be a part of those groups.
Come on, now. I'm being a bit snarky here. You know that.
My point is that the "rainbow" that is utilized in so many sexual orientation group logos is misleading. Heterosexuals are a part of that rainbow. Sorry, but it's true. So, when Natasha decides to play the lesbian card and join these groups, I won't feel comfortable going with her. I'm not the "supportive spouse of a lesbian." That's just insulting to all lesbians. Lesbians don't need support. I'm the "supportive spouse of a transsexual," so maybe if I go under that umbrella, I'd feel welcomed. But then again, as so many people in the TS and TG communities love to point out, Tasha is NOT transgendered, right? That implies a choice to remain gendered masculine in her case, but to have a secondary female persona. That's just not how it is, though.
But here I go, getting caught in the nitpickiness that is the S.O. Rainbow (Sexual Orientation).
Natasha keeps trying to convince me that although I am not a lesbian, I AM in a lesbian relationship. That might be true, but I still cannot even remotely identify with another female's attraction to women. It ain't in me. I've got no problem with it, obviously, but it's like asking a lesbian how they would feel being with a guy. Um... no. So, perhaps I go with Tasha to a group thing that does not include the Straight color of the rainbow. Immediately, I am cast as someone whom I am not: the lesbian partner. Do I really care what others think of me? No. but having not been included in their pretty rainbow to begin with, I feel marginalized.
See where I'm at here? I'm not complaining about minority groups having groups. I'm complaining about my "majority" position among those groups.
In short, I propose that the rainbow only be used for groups that account for ALL S.O. categories. I, for example, consider myself to be a Heterobservant. That means I'm heterosexual who observes and appreciates the attractiveness of the same sex, too. So, I'm not quite on the far, far end of heterosexuality. Just to the left of me would be Heterobstaining, who are heterosexuals who can sometimes feel turned on by the same sex but has no desire to do anything about it. What about them? What is their color on the rainbow? Eh?
I LOVE the fact that Natasha is starting a Gay-Straight Alliance at her school. She has joined (because I subscribed to their eNewsletter) GLSEN. But then, she "Liked" this other group on Facebook called the LGBT Geeks of Arizona. That's fine for her, but I can't very well go to any of their events, now can I? I'm straight, after all. There are TONS of these groups. LGBT America. GALA - Gay and Lesbian Association of Choruses. LGBT Democrats. Just do a search in FB alone and you could spend hours going though all of the sites.
So, like, I can't be a part of those groups.
Come on, now. I'm being a bit snarky here. You know that.
My point is that the "rainbow" that is utilized in so many sexual orientation group logos is misleading. Heterosexuals are a part of that rainbow. Sorry, but it's true. So, when Natasha decides to play the lesbian card and join these groups, I won't feel comfortable going with her. I'm not the "supportive spouse of a lesbian." That's just insulting to all lesbians. Lesbians don't need support. I'm the "supportive spouse of a transsexual," so maybe if I go under that umbrella, I'd feel welcomed. But then again, as so many people in the TS and TG communities love to point out, Tasha is NOT transgendered, right? That implies a choice to remain gendered masculine in her case, but to have a secondary female persona. That's just not how it is, though.
But here I go, getting caught in the nitpickiness that is the S.O. Rainbow (Sexual Orientation).
Natasha keeps trying to convince me that although I am not a lesbian, I AM in a lesbian relationship. That might be true, but I still cannot even remotely identify with another female's attraction to women. It ain't in me. I've got no problem with it, obviously, but it's like asking a lesbian how they would feel being with a guy. Um... no. So, perhaps I go with Tasha to a group thing that does not include the Straight color of the rainbow. Immediately, I am cast as someone whom I am not: the lesbian partner. Do I really care what others think of me? No. but having not been included in their pretty rainbow to begin with, I feel marginalized.
See where I'm at here? I'm not complaining about minority groups having groups. I'm complaining about my "majority" position among those groups.
In short, I propose that the rainbow only be used for groups that account for ALL S.O. categories. I, for example, consider myself to be a Heterobservant. That means I'm heterosexual who observes and appreciates the attractiveness of the same sex, too. So, I'm not quite on the far, far end of heterosexuality. Just to the left of me would be Heterobstaining, who are heterosexuals who can sometimes feel turned on by the same sex but has no desire to do anything about it. What about them? What is their color on the rainbow? Eh?
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
The Boy Said Something...
Okay, on to other news.
This morning, after Natasha had gone to work, E came into my room while I was getting dressed. He and R like to play with all of my hair clips, and he was doing just that, when he asked a question about which of the hair ties, bands, clips and pins were Tasha's. After I answered, I asked him, "Are you sure that you're okay with Daddy being Sunny?" He said, quite intelligently (he's 6), "Definitely. She's not as angry as she used to be."
I asked, knowing the right answer, "Did she yell more when she was a boy?"
E said, "Oh yeah. She yelled a lot and now she doesn't yell much at all. That means she's happier."
I said, "That means we're all happier since she doesn't yell as much, right?"
He said, "Definitely."
He promptly stuck a clip in his short hair and spun around a few times.
The lesson here is that if you have people in your life who doubt whether or not what you are "doing" by transitioning (or accepting it if you are the spouse) is good for the kids, ask the kids. They'll tell you the truth if you let them.
A New Old Me
Since Natasha is now "out" to everyone, it's time for me to do the same.
My name is not Casey, although you are welcome to continue to call me this name. It's actually the name of the main character in my book series about faeries. :-)
It's also our collie's name. :-D
My name is Marni. I am the proud spouse of a crazy woman named Natasha. I live in the Phoenix area with her, our two genius children, our two dogs, four cats and two fish.
Just so you know.
Sunday, August 14, 2011
Which Way Do You Want to Go: Up or Down?
Tasha bit the bullet and spoke with her principal two weeks ago. He was totally cool and open, as was the rest of the faculty and staff at her school, and last Monday, on the first day of school, she showed up as herself. Despite a few gawker and rude students, she had the happiest week of teaching in her life!
I am very happy for her. She's in a great mood, considering that she's back at school. She says she loves what she does and I believe her, but she also had tons of really crappy days, which I'm sure she'll still have, but they won't be as bad because she'll be herself and if she wants to cry and yell at her students, she can do that. :-)
So, now Tasha is living full time and a few friends have asked me how I'm feeling about that. I'm actually pretty fine about it. In fact, on the day her principal gave her the okay, I went into her part of the closet and took out most of her male clothing (except for a few shirts that I insist she keep and wear as over-shirts. They're tasteful and somewhat gender-neutral). In fact, I'm relieved that the waffling between genders, and the consequential depression and moodiness, has ended. Besides the SRS, which affects her way more than it affects me, as far as I'm concerned, she's all her now.
Next Friday, we're going down to Tucson to get her name officially changed. Later, when we have more money put aside, we're going to change the kids' names, too. Tasha is going to pick up my maiden name as a second middle name like I have, and so the kids will have it, too. It is symbolic for us to have both of our last names this way because we are not simply a part of her family. I chose to keep my maiden name since I was the wife and believed that I should pick up her family name. So, we're making it all "even," you know? She said she should have done that when we first got married. I'm just glad we're doing it now.
I have this sense of calm about everything. As I said, she's always female now, so in my mind, her maleness is gone. My spouse is not gone. The person who was my husband is not gone. Only her maleness. Actually, as I write that, I have to add that there are "male" aspects that have not gone away. She's a big woman in that she is tall and stocky. She'll loose a ton of weight and she'll still have that, and that's great! This is why Natasha is a perfect name for her! :-) Anyway, one of the things she has been doing for a long time is toss the kids onto our bed at night. They experience flight for just a moment. She still does it. Even though she thought she lost too much muscle mass in her arms, she realized (after I cajoled her into doing it again) that she can still do it. She's still the "fixer" around here, too. She picks up dead birds and throws them away (don't ask). She still occupies the Daddy role in our family, which makes both of us happy, so I haven't really lost any part of my spouse that I worried about losing.
The other day, my mom took me aside and asked me how I was taking all of this. I knew that she was speaking for herself as well as for my dad. A lot of their concern is for our kids, and I understand that. They are really great kids and they understand what has happened to their daddy. I've written in the past that it has been shown that how children take this kind of change largely depends upon how the spouse who does not change takes the news. So, you can extrapolate how my kids are taking this from how I am, right? So, in my response to her... actually to both of them and in front of Tasha, I told them that every decision I am making, from doing my best at a job I hate to pushing our cookie business, to continuing to write my books... to staying with Natasha, every single decision I make every moment of the day begins with the thought of how it will affect my children. What is best for them? Every direction I try to steer my life is based directly on which direction is best for them. Am I setting a good example? Am I teaching them the right lesson?
Staying with Natasha, as I have told my wonderful, loving, giving parents, is right for the kids. For me to leave simply because something happened to her... something beyond her control... would teach my children that it is better to run away than to stay and work hard. I would teach them that all it takes is ONE SINGLE CHANGE to make everything good end up meaningless and valueless. It would teach them that love is, in fact, conditional. If she had become a quadriplegic and were unable to have sex anymore, should I have left? What would that say to my kids?
I am not trying to accuse anyone of anything, my amazing and honest readers. I am not trying to come off as better than anyone. I am just writing my blog. Those of you who know me know that I don't think about my readers as I write. Otherwise, I wouldn't be genuine in what I was trying to say. I know that things don't work out between couples for any number of reasons. Clearly, at this point I looked over what I had read and thought that it might start some accusations my way of being snooty. So, let me put that to rest. I'm telling you what's been going through my mind. I'm telling you that every single decision I've made throughout this journey with Tasha is about the kids. Every decision I've made since the moment I got pregnant with our boy was about him. That's just how it is. My happiness is their happiness, and since I would be miserable without my Esposa, so would they.
To everyone out there reading this, I can only wish you the happiest of lives with what you have. I hope that your spouses find their happiness, too, no matter what that means. No journey is easy. Mine sure hasn't, and it's not even over yet. But I hope that you see the happiness you already have and hold onto it, nurture it and help it grow. Keep it near you during the difficult times and let it help you. Let it guide your decisions.
That's it for now.
I am very happy for her. She's in a great mood, considering that she's back at school. She says she loves what she does and I believe her, but she also had tons of really crappy days, which I'm sure she'll still have, but they won't be as bad because she'll be herself and if she wants to cry and yell at her students, she can do that. :-)
So, now Tasha is living full time and a few friends have asked me how I'm feeling about that. I'm actually pretty fine about it. In fact, on the day her principal gave her the okay, I went into her part of the closet and took out most of her male clothing (except for a few shirts that I insist she keep and wear as over-shirts. They're tasteful and somewhat gender-neutral). In fact, I'm relieved that the waffling between genders, and the consequential depression and moodiness, has ended. Besides the SRS, which affects her way more than it affects me, as far as I'm concerned, she's all her now.
Next Friday, we're going down to Tucson to get her name officially changed. Later, when we have more money put aside, we're going to change the kids' names, too. Tasha is going to pick up my maiden name as a second middle name like I have, and so the kids will have it, too. It is symbolic for us to have both of our last names this way because we are not simply a part of her family. I chose to keep my maiden name since I was the wife and believed that I should pick up her family name. So, we're making it all "even," you know? She said she should have done that when we first got married. I'm just glad we're doing it now.
I have this sense of calm about everything. As I said, she's always female now, so in my mind, her maleness is gone. My spouse is not gone. The person who was my husband is not gone. Only her maleness. Actually, as I write that, I have to add that there are "male" aspects that have not gone away. She's a big woman in that she is tall and stocky. She'll loose a ton of weight and she'll still have that, and that's great! This is why Natasha is a perfect name for her! :-) Anyway, one of the things she has been doing for a long time is toss the kids onto our bed at night. They experience flight for just a moment. She still does it. Even though she thought she lost too much muscle mass in her arms, she realized (after I cajoled her into doing it again) that she can still do it. She's still the "fixer" around here, too. She picks up dead birds and throws them away (don't ask). She still occupies the Daddy role in our family, which makes both of us happy, so I haven't really lost any part of my spouse that I worried about losing.
The other day, my mom took me aside and asked me how I was taking all of this. I knew that she was speaking for herself as well as for my dad. A lot of their concern is for our kids, and I understand that. They are really great kids and they understand what has happened to their daddy. I've written in the past that it has been shown that how children take this kind of change largely depends upon how the spouse who does not change takes the news. So, you can extrapolate how my kids are taking this from how I am, right? So, in my response to her... actually to both of them and in front of Tasha, I told them that every decision I am making, from doing my best at a job I hate to pushing our cookie business, to continuing to write my books... to staying with Natasha, every single decision I make every moment of the day begins with the thought of how it will affect my children. What is best for them? Every direction I try to steer my life is based directly on which direction is best for them. Am I setting a good example? Am I teaching them the right lesson?
Staying with Natasha, as I have told my wonderful, loving, giving parents, is right for the kids. For me to leave simply because something happened to her... something beyond her control... would teach my children that it is better to run away than to stay and work hard. I would teach them that all it takes is ONE SINGLE CHANGE to make everything good end up meaningless and valueless. It would teach them that love is, in fact, conditional. If she had become a quadriplegic and were unable to have sex anymore, should I have left? What would that say to my kids?
I am not trying to accuse anyone of anything, my amazing and honest readers. I am not trying to come off as better than anyone. I am just writing my blog. Those of you who know me know that I don't think about my readers as I write. Otherwise, I wouldn't be genuine in what I was trying to say. I know that things don't work out between couples for any number of reasons. Clearly, at this point I looked over what I had read and thought that it might start some accusations my way of being snooty. So, let me put that to rest. I'm telling you what's been going through my mind. I'm telling you that every single decision I've made throughout this journey with Tasha is about the kids. Every decision I've made since the moment I got pregnant with our boy was about him. That's just how it is. My happiness is their happiness, and since I would be miserable without my Esposa, so would they.
To everyone out there reading this, I can only wish you the happiest of lives with what you have. I hope that your spouses find their happiness, too, no matter what that means. No journey is easy. Mine sure hasn't, and it's not even over yet. But I hope that you see the happiness you already have and hold onto it, nurture it and help it grow. Keep it near you during the difficult times and let it help you. Let it guide your decisions.
That's it for now.
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